RODRICK:
(WHISPERING) Greg?

GREG:
(GROGGILY) Mmm.

- (IN SINGSONG) Greg?

- What?

- Greg!

- Huh? What?

What are you doing? Get up!

Mom and Dad have been calling you

for an hour.

You're about to be late for

your first day of middle school.

What?

Oh, geez! How did that happen?

Go, go, go! Mom's about to flip out!

She sent me to get you

while she waits in the car!

(EXCLAIMS)

What are you doing? What's going on?

Getting ready for...

(HOOTING)

...school.

Are you insane?

School doesn't start till next week.

And, FYI, school doesn't start

at 4:
00 in the morning!

You woke up Manny.

And if he doesn't go back down...

Good morning!

There is no way he is going back down.

I just wanted to sleep till 6:00.

- Bubby!

- FRANK:
Go to bed. I got him.

Greg, what are you doing up

making all this noise?

It was Rodrick! He woke me up!

He changed my clock!

(SNORING)

- But I swear, he was just...

- Go to bed.

What is that smell? I can't even identify it.

Bubby!

(GRUNTS)

(GIGGLING)

KIDS:
Happy Birthday!

Here, Bubby.

GREG:
Wow! Look at the size

of that flamethrower!

Okay, first of all,

let me get something straight.

This is a journal, not a diary.

Yeah, I know what it says on the cover.

But when my mom went out

to buy this thing,

I specifically told her

not to buy one that said "diary" on it.

This just proves Mom doesn't understand

anything about kids my age.

- GREG:
Huh?

- Sissy!

The only reason I agreed to

write in this thing is because

when I'm rich and famous

I'll have better things to do

than answer people's stupid questions

all day long.

Gregory, tell us about your childhood!

Were you always so smart and handsome?

Here's my journal. Now, shoo, shoo.

SUSAN:
That's our boy up there.

Why did I ever say no to him?

Mom got me this thing

so I could write down my feelings

about starting middle school.

But I'm gonna be fine.

It's my best friend, Rowley Jefferson,

I'm worried about.

He's definitely not middle school ready.

Geronimo!

(WHOOPS)

He's not quite clear

on the concept of growing up.

I want a puppy, a kitty,

a gumball machine...

But anyway, this is about me, not Rowley.

I always figured

they'd make a movie about my life.

But I didn't think

they'd start the story here.

Because, seriously,

who wants to see a movie about a kid

who's stuck in middle school

with a bunch of morons?

(ALARM BUZZING)

(GROANS)

(RODRICK EXCLAIMING)

Three days, no shower. Smell the love!

Let me go, Rodrick!

(GROANS)

Come on.

We're just having some fun, right?

No, okay. So, look.

Mom asked me to give you some advice

about middle school.

It's real simple.

Don't talk to anyone. Don't look at anyone.

Don't go anywhere.

Don't sit down. Don't raise your hand.

Don't go to the bathroom.

Don't get noticed.

Don't choose the wrong locker. Don't...

Who am I kidding?

You'll be dead or homeschooled

by the end of the year, anyway.

And don't be seen with Rowley.

(EXCLAIMING)

Manny, stop it! Mom!

RODRICK:
Thanks for the eggs, Mom.

- Frank?

- Greg?

I think it's gross and undignified

that I have to eat breakfast

next to him on the potty.

Okay, well, it's your fault

he's still potty training.

Don't look down, Manny.

The potty monster doesn't like it

when you look at him.

(SCREAMS)

I was just joking with him.

Okay. Kiss him you're sorry

and then let's get a move on.

Can't be late for your first day of school.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

GREG:
Let me just say for the record

that I think middle school may be

the dumbest idea ever invented.

You got kids like me

who haven't hit their growth spurt yet