Alright, so here’s the dealio.

I have a large Italian family with many cousins, uncles, aunts, nephews, et cetera. Every once in awhile we’ll all gather up to celebrate the anniversary of our great grandparents’ wedding, a special occasion marking the creation of our family. They’re long gone now, but it’s the memory that counts, and we celebrate by cooking a feast for the ages, rivaling thanksgiving dinner.

Now upon the eve of this anniversary all “da boys” (as us men in the family affectionately call ourselves) gather up and go to a famous local bar in downtown Boston. They only accept cash, very “old school” feel to the place, but it makes for some great stories. Usually the place is a blast, with all sorts of banter and drunken shenanigans occurring, but not last night...

Now before I divulge the details, I ought to give some background as to how I fit into this family. Where my father and I are well integrated into the family, my mother is quite the outsider. She comes from wealthier, southern origins, around the mid-Atlantic part of the country. Because of this, she’s always viewed the family as “working class”, with her posh accent sticking out like a sore thumb at gatherings of Bostonians. By extension, I’ve always felt I had to prove to my family that I can “hang” with them so to speak, and in a way I worry that they see my mom as the woman who pulled my dad away from their tight knit circle.

Now let’s cut back to last night at the bar. Laughs, drinks, and stories all around the bar as we enjoy ourselves. My cousin Vinny invites me and some of the younger guys to play truth or drink. At this point I’m already quite drunk, but accept for the fun of it. A few questions in and Vinny asks me “how big is your ♥♥♥♥? I know you’re packing a huge one Anon, right?”

Of course my other cousins all groan with embarrassment, but I foolishly answer instantly, unaware of the ramifications of my response.

“4.5 inches” I say too confidently, and suddenly all eyes are on me.

“Drink anon, I know you’re bullshitting me man!” says Vinny, with a twinge of nervous angst in his voice.

“I’m serious Vin, that’s all I got, haha”

Dead silence. I gaze across the bar to see my entire family looking in shock and awe at my response. Vinny attempts to get everyone focused back on the game, and everyone resumes at a quieter tempo, but I knew that I had just majorly ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up.

After leaving the bar, my uncle Paul pulls me aside, puts both hands on my shoulder and says “Kid, please tell me you’re just ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ around about your ♥♥♥♥ size”

“No paul, Jesus what the ♥♥♥♥ is your problem?” I say indignantly

“Anon, don’t you know everyone in this family is packing fat schlong? For Christ sakes I’m on the smaller side and still clock out around 7 inches.”

“So what? Why the hell does penis size matter to you so much?” I’m starting to get worried at this point, I’ve never seen Paul look at me with such intensity.

“Matter to me? It’s matters to the whole damn family! ♥♥♥♥ size is more than a number, it quantifies your entire personality. You can’t call yourself a member of this family if your walking around with a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ baby carrot between your legs”
[9:17 PM]
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Paul went on explaining the history of this family, and how the men found success through leveraging their superior ♥♥♥♥♥, both literally and figuratively. According to him, my dad was somewhat of a legend, with a massive 10 inch meat cannon. Apparently during a final 200 meter dash in highschool, my father won by enlarging his penis so much and preformed a pelvic to win the race. I always felt like I never lived up to my father’s athletic record, but now I know that I come short in more ways than one.

So how could my dad’s ♥♥♥♥ be so big, and mine be so small? I had to investigate.

It turns that penis endowment correlates with genes on both the X and Y chromosomes, meaning that both my mother and father’s genetics are responsible. My father’s side obviously is known for their legendary sausages, so I knew I had to speak with my mother.

She was incredibly reluctant to describe her male family members’ genitalia to me for some reason... odd. I knew I had to investigate further, so I called some of my cousins and uncles from that side. Turns out, the family has relatively average penis sizes, but all larger than mine. Combined they averaged about 6 inches.

Here’s what makes no sense, if my dad’s side has an average of 8 inches, and my mom’s side has an average of 6 inches, why don’t I fall within that range? I suspected my mother’s hesitancy to speak on the matter indicated a darker secret, so I went digging.