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ㅤ* Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
ㅤ* I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
ㅤ* A police officer on a motorcycle pulls alongside a man driving around the M25 in an open-topped sports car and flags him down. The policeman solemnly approaches the car.
"Sir, I'm sorry to tell you your wife fell out a mile back", he says.
"Oh, thank goodness", the man replies. "I thought I was going deaf."
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ㅤㅤㅤㅤ ROFL!