My playthrough for episode I of Sonic the Hedgehog 4 had me consistently asking myself one question... "Why?" Why does everything look like someone spilled their Slurpee on the computer used to program it and this was all they could salvage? Why is "the fastest thing alive" the slowest thing on my screen? Why are the physics the video game equivalent of a dry heave with half the grace and none of the satisfaction after it's finished? Why was I one of the lunatics who spent more than ten hours of my life 100% completing this poopy bad excuse for a Sonic sequel just so I could put out a review when everyone else figured all of this out years ago? In the end, I had none of these burning questions answered, but at least I walked away with frustration and eye strain. I know that's not a positive but I'll take what I can get here.

In reality, this wasn't my first time having to live through Sonic 4. Way back when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, a friend of mine found a $10 Wii console at a farmer's market that had a bunch of downloaded games, one of which was Sonic 4, which I assume was why it ended up for $10 at a farmer's market. Anyway, being an enormous Sonic fan, I borrowed the Wii to play through the game, finished the story in a night and... quickly forgot it ever existed. Never doubt the human mind's ability to cover up trauma. But honestly, it left absolutely zero impression on my younger self. It was short, unattractive, sluggish and several other descriptive words commonly found on Danny DeVito's dating profile. In other words, it was everything a good Sonic game shouldn't be.

Our "story" starts because Eggman bad, I guess, so go stop him probably. What's happening here exactly? If I had to approximate a theory, the most bare bones Sonic plot ever conceived. You just... go. You go through levels, you collect Chaos Emeralds, you question your life choices and then it's over. I kept wondering what the point of this game's existence even was when every other mainline game in the series at least attempted to further what little plot had been introduced. It wasn't always much, but it felt cohesive at the very least. Here it just feels like all the newest employees at Sega got together for a secret board meeting and this is what they managed to squirt out. "People still enjoy that blue fella, right? What's his name? Solid the Beaver? Let's do another one of those and show the bosses what we're really made of!"

I've been avoiding talking about the gameplay to mitigate the Vietnam flashbacks, but I may as well rip that band-aid off now. Sonic games have always been about two very important things: giving you a good sense of speed, and having momentum-based physics that rewards players skilled enough to master them with optimal routes and faster completion times. Sonic 4 takes that formula and proposes to the player, "what if Sonic games had none of that?" Movement is atrociously slow, with Sonic's run startup feeling like he's running through oil-slicked banana peels. No joke, it takes a good five or so seconds for him to even get to a respectable speed, and even when you reach the fastest he can go, the actual physics will grind everything to a halt before you're given enough time to complain about it. Hope you like going top speed and still not being fast enough to clear loop-dee-loops or small inclines. If your one job is to make Sonic the Hedgehog go fast, it's probably best to not do the exact opposite.

So what did they do to alleviate these issues? Why, they reintroduced the homing attack, of course! Sonic moving to slow to start? Do a little homing attack to reach max speed faster than actually running. Weird jump arc getting you down during enemy encounters? Homing attack 'em and take accuracy out of the equation altogether! Oh but don't worry, there's still plenty of anger-inducing moments like swingy vines that don't go by momentum like every other swinging mechanic in gaming history, Sonic's ability to cling on the side of loops and slow your speed to a crawl, the spin dash being as useful as a rocket-powered doghouse, and much more!

Surely there must be something positive I can say about this game, right? Actually yes, there is! Two things in fact! This being a Sonic game, it's no shock that the soundtrack is honestly pretty stellar. That's almost always par for the course with the series at this point. Aside from a few repetitive tracks (more on that momentarily) I'd say most of the songs were bangers and worth a listen or three. The other thing worthy of praise is, for as crap as the actual gameplay can be, the level design is surprisingly good here. Lots of branching paths, decent ideas for level-specific mechanics, and a good sense of flow when you're actually able to keep a rhythm going. It damn near resembles a Sonic game at points, which is saying something. Not the most inspired level motifs the series has even had, but they get the job done and should at least be commended.

Sonic 4 was a huge misstep back when it released, and doesn't fare any better now that I'm older with more refined sensibilities in my cartoon hedgehogs. That probably begs the question of why I bothered spending ten hours maxing out the achievements for this flaming pile. Again, "why" is the question here. Why did I bother replaying the final boss gauntlet and its mind-numbing, repetitive music probably thirty or more times to get a no-hit run? Why did I grind out a thousand enemy kills in the first level when the game's buggy nature resets the counter after you shut it down? Why did I endure the final special stage over and over again just to get that stupid last Chaos Emerald, ignoring texts from my girlfriend who was probably checking up on my mental health and well being? I'll tell you why. It's because this game didn't deserve the satisfaction of beating me. Just like Crazy Taxi and Montaro before it, I was too stubborn to lose to this pathetically slow rodent posing as one of my favorite video game characters. At least it's over and I can say I experienced all it had to offer. It made the constant swirl of negative emotions feel a lot more justified.

Solid the Beaver Episode I: The Phantom Menace gets a no from me, dawg.