[3] Medical equipment everywhere, alright. I see a doctor's beeper fall onto the ground and I just jump on it like a Nazi taking a grenade for his German cohorts. Doctor looks passed out, but I'm not gonna take that risk, okay, so I shove the beeper three inches into my butt and I just take off in a dead sprint due north. I'm three towns over before I even realize nobody's chasing me and at that point I'm thanking God because my groin is torn to shreds. I had it in my butt for 14 miles. And the ♥♥♥♥♥ still works.

[2] I'm laughing maniacally, my face is like a blood-sprinkler, the red liquid's just shooting everywhere, getting on the interior and stuff. To make matters worse I wasn't even invited to the frickin' thing. So I start passing out, you know, Nature's Promise and all. I wake up in post-op four hours later and I needed 31 stitches to close me shut, nurse is livid, just crying in the corner because I've been ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ myself nonstop which sounds standard, but it's not. They choose this golden moment to give me a hospital bill. Uh-oh, daddy doesn't have health insurance. So I book it, alright. Cut to interior, hospital, day, later, I am barreling skull-first into a doctor, right into his chest, and he gets plowed to the floor.

So I went to a bachelor party last weekend. My friend from high school, Marty's getting married so you know I came to play. First step is a nice, little brunch with his family and I'm already a little buzzed after three Four Lokos and a shot of schnapps, some bozo jokingly dares me to bite into a glass of orange juice. Before he even gets to the just kidding I am tooth-deep in the thing. I'm not an idiot, okay, so I think the thing's gonna crack but my eyes widen with fear when the ♥♥♥♥♥ explodes in my mouth. I'm talking razor-sharp glass shards just cutting my mouth up from uvula to incisor, there was blood everywhere. Alright, next thing I know I'm in the back of Donnie's Camaro, he's the best man, and people are just begging me not to fall asleep.