This offends me as a vegan transgender hipster Native-American-Indo-Chinese hybrid alien agnostic-atheist German engineer who vapes fairtrade organic decaffeinated compressed and hydrated extra-protein soy breast milk on the regular and does Hindi Kama Sutra naked crossfit yoga 8 days a week. I'm also a nonbinary trigender genderqueer male feminist and identify myself as a pastafarian pansexual genderfluid Apache helicopter dog of mega multi alpha beta gamma delta omega combo god of hyper death who's in a polygamous polyamorous relationship to the chihuahua which helped me cross the border of Mexico because it hates Donald Trump. My dog also walks me to the park and doggy styles me, if you find that weird you're an ignorant arrogant homophobic gender-assuming globaphobic bloodthirsty gun-loving cisgender pansexual bestial sexist racist incestuous white-previlege misogynistic biased objectified♥♥♥♥♥♥♥privileged Nazi-Communist slave owner terrorist lesbian.

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The listing follows:

- 1x Monster Horse Dildo (12') £89.99
- 1x Ultra HD Backdoor Sluts 9 £12.99
- 6x Magnum condoms (Extra Small) £24.45
- 5x Bananas $3.00
- 5x Flavoured tampons $7.00
- 1x extra stretchy thongs 750ml £19.99
- 1x Next day shipping $45.00
- 1x Frequent Shopper Discount (15%)

I've had my heart broken several times in my life. Once, on Christmas Day 1989, I eagerly ran downstairs and gasped at the sight of what was clearly a crudely but lovingly wrapped skateboard. A skateboard that I had wanted ever since I had seen Marty McFly cruise through the streets of Hill Valley as a stowaway behind an unsuspecting SUV driver. A skateboard with a custom deck, with artwork that would cause my fellow skaters to shout "rad". A skateboard whose wheels would send me gliding across the streets as I headed for the nearest half-pipe. A skateboard of majestical proportion.

I grabbed it, and with shaking hands and a heart beating against my chest, I tore that festive wrapping as hard as I could. Through an intricate web of sticky tape, ribbon and ever expanding wrapping paper, I dug through turns out was my uncle who wrapped paper on his ♥♥♥♥ and I got laid that day.