BREAKING NEWS: THE KING IS BACK BABY

All-rounder survivor main King 'The First Aid Officer' Dog is back on the scene, raking in the blood points, 360ing the killers, and proving he still has what it takes to be a menace on the keyboard, both in the chat and on the field.

Known for rocking sub 15 frames per second and going afk on indoor maps, Dog is a veteran player with a talent for surviving. Accolades include longest loop survived without a graphics card, most consecutive skill checks hit in the single digit frames category, earliest killer shack pallet drop, longest average load time and many more.

Rumours started spreading of his fabled return early last week when local statisticians noticed killer win rates plummeting to an annual low in the South East Asia region. While it had yet to be confirmed, President Obama <redacted> sent out a PSA warning to killer players around the world and put a curfew out on non-meta killers, including Pig, Legion and recently nerfed Hillbilly. Data miners also noticed a spike in Autodidact usage, leading to further speculation about Dog's return.

So what does this mean for killers? Well, US players are likely safe for now unless Asian and Oceanic servers go into lock-down, but for those playing in Dog's server region, it is likely too late. Authorities are recommending you stay outdoors, uninstall the game and possibly switch to playing survivor.

Three victims have already been confirmed. Our reporters were able to get a statement from Rank 1 Spirit main, Hex: Unoriginal and In no way funny name. "I just, there was nothing I could do. he just, it happened so fast, my totems were gone before I found the first survivor. He cleansed my Haunted Grounds and I thought this was my chance but he was just mocking me, I couldn't keep up with his loops. That Z wall felt like it went on forever an-n-n-n-d... I, I'm sorry, I can't...". The other 2 victims were found passed away from self-inflicted injuries and were unavailable for questioning.

Redditors seem to think this could be just the beginning, as they speculate the return of his fellow killer terminating team mates, Bez 'ITS MYERS' Ooka, Xans 'flashlight click 360 dc' Game, Jack 'I f*cking hate this killer I wanna leave who chose this ♥♥♥♥ map' Septiceye and Big 'lead killer to the team by accident' Junkdonald.

This is Faux News reporting, thank you, and goodnight.