What in Davy Jones’ locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy bilgerat? I’ll have ye know I be the meanest cutthroat on the seven seas, and I’ve led numerous raids on fishing villages, and raped over 300 wenches. I be trained in hit-and-run pillaging and be the deadliest with a pistol of all the captains on the high seas. Ye be nothing to me but another source o’ swag. I’ll have yer guts for garters and keel haul ye like never been done before, hear me true. You think ye can hide behind your newfangled computing device? Think twice on that, scallywag. As we parley I be contacting my secret network o’ pirates across the sea and yer port is being tracked right now so ye better prepare for the typhoon, weevil. The kind o’ monsoon that’ll wipe ye off the map. You’re sharkbait, fool. You’re fish food now.

- I own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended.
- Four ruffians break into my house.
- "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle.
- Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man. He's dead on the spot.
- Draw my pistol on the second man. Misses him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbor's dog.
- I have to resort to the cannon at the top of the stairs loaded with grapeshot.
- "Tally ho, lads." The grapeshot shreds two men in the blast. The sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms.
- Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion.
- He bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are difficult to stitch-up.
- Just as the founding fathers intended.

You ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ concubine, trying to seduce me using your body. I knew it all along; I knew about your being a filthy slut, trying to use me for my relatively large penis. You only care about pleasure, don't you? You ♥♥♥♥-loving slut. I would tell you "B E G O N E T H O T" but because of the ammount of times you masturbate on a daily basis, causing your estrogen and testosterone levels to rise and as a result your myopia to increase too, you can't read that. Also, masturbating so much has lowered your iq so significantly that you can't grasp the essence of true love. As expected from the likes of you, you filthy ♥♥♥♥♥. Go watch some Rick and Morty- maybe then, your iq might increase, only a little nonetheless, since you're a femoid.

ey, sorry i saw your profile and i just thought you looked cute in your picture. i really wanted to tell you that)) It's really rare to see girls playing video games haha! I don't know why it's a guy thing honestly im like really against misogyny and like ill be the one in the kitchen making sandwiches. We should really play l4d2 sometime its a really cool zombie game with a lot of scary moments, but don't worry ill be there to protect you ;) sorry that wasnt flirtring i swear im just trying to be friendly i really like your profile picture sorry was that too far? Really sorry i'm really shy i don't go out much haha add me on skype we should talk you look really nice and fun xxx

I once ate an entire roll of quarters the day before attending our neighborhood summer block party just so I could fool all my friends into thinking I could ♥♥♥♥ money. They all sat around getting pretty ♥♥♥♥-faced throughout the evening, and by the time the streetlights came on I was standing butt-naked on top of a picnic table defecating coins like a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. They surrounded me like I was a malfunctioning slot machine, cupping their hands and catching my ass-quarters while cheering. No one seemed bothered the money was covered in my chunky ♥♥♥♥, they had dollar signs in their eyes. My ass sprayed in every direction. The sounds of my wet farts combined with loose change hitting the ground, and the dull plop of my turds landing on the wooden picnic table filled the air. Everyone praised Jesus for the miracle, asking if I could ♥♥♥♥ them enough money to pay their mortgage or get their wife a bigger pair of tits. What a ♥♥♥♥♥♥' night.

One time in 12th grade when we found out the schools furry was banging the other furry (both dudes) and the one was deathly allergic to peanuts

So we dragged him into the school locker room and rubbed peanut butter all over his face and made him swallow some while yelling "how do you like these nuts ♥♥♥♥♥♥"

Though we didn't call him a furry because that's mean.

He started foaming at the mouth and having a seizure while his throat swelled up.

We forged a suicide note and left it on his body.

To this day his parents and the school thinks it was a legit suicide.

Comedy gold I tell you