I arrive in Manhattan with just the shirt on my back and the 8 ball stashed up my ass. You see dawg, I had to cross state lines to get away from The Probation Officer. Now I wasn't even on probation Joe Rogan. The Probation Officer is just a nickname given to the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ whose wife I'd been bangin' back in Hoboken, New Jersey.

Now this broad could yank a pipe like you wouldn't believe. She'd jack off me and my buddy Elvis (we called him Elvis because he liked to ♥♥♥♥ 14 year olds HAHA!) Anyway she'd jack us both off together like a professional skier chasing a gold. Joe Rogan, we'd nut within seconds of each other every ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ time, I swear on my daughter's life. Like clockwork dawg. So this guy is one angry hombre. He's a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ SAVAGE! And he's packing heat. Once he got wind of his whorish wife's gangbangs he hunted down each and every one of us dawg! He wanted to mount my nutsack on his ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ wall, you get what I'm saying Joe Rogan?!

So I'm on the subway headed to a pizza place off of third and fourteenth. If my retarded cousin Slow Pablo (rest in peace) can get a job there, I'm pretty sure Uncle Joey can as well HAHAJEHEJJJHAJE <phlegm> You see this place isn't even really a Pizza place Joe Rogan. For every slice of Margherita they shift, they're slinging out twice the amount of meth, and you should've seen the monkey on the owner's daughter. Spotless! This thing had been kissed by a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ angel. And you'd plow your own dead grandma just to get a sniff of that muffler, believe you me, dawg.

So I'm on the subway, and it starts speeding up. It's going ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ fast, it wouldn't have been so bad but I was still tripping balls from the acid I'd pickpocketed from the the hipster at Penn Station the previous night. I was on the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ moon, dawg. I was a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ martian! HAHA!

Then this kid in a red and blue spandex suit saves the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ day. No joke, he stops the train from going off the end of the track and saves your Uncle Joey's life. To this day I don't know where he got his strength from, this kid was punier than Tony Hinchcliffe after the AIDS y'understand me? Yet somehow he's slinging these webs like I sling ♥♥♥♥ but then this other ♥♥♥♥♥♥ shows up with more ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ arms than I can count Joe Rogan. All long and metallic like. He looks like something outta one of those comic books that ♥♥♥♥♥ nerds who can't even ♥♥♥♥ their own mother like to read. You know what I'm talking about HAHA!

So I tell him:

'Hey ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥! You wanna get to him, you gotta go through me, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥'.

And he ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ did HAHAJHEHJAEJEHE <phlegm> He swats me aside like a ♥♥♥♥ swats away a throbbing ♥♥♥♥! They carried on fighting for a while, I don't know what the ♥♥♥♥ happened with them to be honest and I didn't give a ♥♥♥♥ Joe Rogan! Do you wanna know why? This blonde broad next to me (I'd been sniffing her hair for the whole ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ journey, that ♥♥♥♥ smelt like libido and eucalyptus HAHA!) She now sees me as this heroic ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, this ♥♥♥♥♥ drops to her knees and starts blowing me right there in the middle of the carriage. Tremendous.

mmmmmm