Recent reviews by Cockmachine™

sucks balls if you’re a normal person. but if you like sitting for 30 seconds at a time staring at nothing like a lobotomite then this is the game for you.

The old king is finally able to take his last breath as his heir apparent is finally able to take up the throne. Bless this game, Mordhau time.

Even at the lowest settings this game runs terribly

Why this Game is ass: The gunplay is absolute ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. The only way you can kill someone is shooting them 2-4 times in the head with an assault rife, or by jumping like a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ and one hitting them with a shotgun because your hitbox is ♥♥♥♥♥♥ when you jump and they won't be able to hit you. If you shoot someone in the chest they WILL NOT die, my last game was shooting some ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ in the chest point blank with a 12G Shotgun TWICE, and then dying because he jumped around and spammed me with an assault rifle.

Secondly, the community is worse than the gunplay. The community is filled with edgy, sweaty, fat neets and little kids who do nothing but play this game, they're far from any semblence of an actual human being, they're their own race.

Thirdly, hackers are rampant. There will be a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ of people that you and your friends will riddle with bullets and they will take no damage, BattleEye DOES NOT STOP HACKERS.

Fourthly, H1Z1 has earsplitting music and soundeffects that sound straight out of a student film or a gun app on the app store, it's horrid.

Fifth and finally, the graphics look like a CGI Budweiser commercial yet it runs like absolute ♥♥♥♥. I can run GTA V at everything maxed out, yet this game is barely playable.

There's a reason Daybreak actually loses Sony money because Daybreak devs don't listen to the community, and refue to fix their ♥♥♥♥♥♥ game. Don't waste your money, I bought four copies and can't refund it.

Rational Randy: Calm Turnpike, is a game about a rational man named Randy who's wife left him and lost total custody of his children during a court battle with his wife. Randy, losing everything that meant dear to him, went into the woods to hang himself, however, in his search for the tree who would don his dead corpse, Randy finds a rusted car in the woods, and being the rational man he is, he knew that the outside rust on the car did not mean it was broken. Randy, out of curiosity, opens the door and gets in, the car is relatively beat up, but the keys are still in the ignition. Randy turns the keys and the car sputters to life. Randy decides that taking a quick spin before his death won't be such a bad idea. Randy drives down Highway 49 and reaches a turnpike. The turnpike is so calm and traffickless; it brings Randy a bit of peace, and almost a little bit of happiness in his ♥♥♥♥♥♥ life. However, as Randy goes to adjust his rear view mirror, he sees behind him his now Ex-Wife's negro lover. Randy burns with a rational anger for this negro man. The car begins to speak to Randy, telling him it's time to ascend to Val Halla in a fiery blaze. The glove box opens and a silver spray paint can pops out and lands in the back seat, on top of an explosive harpoon. Rational Randy uses a rational portion of silver spray paint to spray all over his teeth and mouth, making him shiny and chrome. Randy, rationally grabs the harpoon and walks over to the negro's car. The negro and Randy have a rational conversation, and as they finish their rational conversation, Randy walks to the back of the car rationally and lifts up the harpoon, Randy jumps onto the hood of the car andd shoves the harpoon through himself and the car, because he knew that if he only killed the negro, he would go to prison and die a worse death. The car is engulfed in flames, a double death ensues, their faces melting off their skulls, their fat crackling in the fire, their veins and arteries congealing, their sinews snapping, their skeletons charring. Thus ends Rational Randy: Calm Turnpike.

It's gay

It's good

it's okay

Met a gay guy, pretty cool guy, he got exiled; we went feral dog hunting, killed dogs, bonded with him, never saw him again. I walked a bit longer, found an old lady who needed her pan cleaned, cleaned it, went on my way. Assraped a Griffin, 10/10