(The DreamWorks Pictures SKG logo plays out, with dreamy music playing underneath. At the end of the logo, the S's in "DreamWorks" and "SKG" turn green and grow out ogre ears, matching the film's logo. Credits saying "DreamWorks Pictures Presents" and "A PDI/DreamWorks Production" appear.)

(A ray of light shines down on a leather-bound storybook. The book opens and a Scottish-accented voice narrator, named Shrek the ogre, begins reading its text)

Shrek: Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison; but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower. For her true love and true love's first kiss.

(Shrek chuckles and rips out a page of the book and closes it. Well, that’s okay!)

Shrek: Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of -!! (toilet flushes)

("All Star" by Smash Mouth Playing)

(We see an outhouse and hear the sound of a toilet flushing. Out steps Shrek, an ogre, who tugs at his underwear and shakes his foot of the page still stuck to his shoe. He looks lovingly at the swamp he calls home, and goes about his daily routine. Which is taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a warning sign)

(In a nearby village, an angry mob gather up to go after Shrek. At night they gather their torches and pitchforks and enter the swamp, trampling over Shrek's warning signs. Shrek sees them after investigating the commotion, rolling his eyes. The villagers stop outside Shrek's home, unaware that Shrek is sneaking up behind them)

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S SWAMP
Villager 1: Think it's in there?

Villager 2: All right. Let's get it!

Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

Villager 3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

(Shrek chuckles, revealing himself to be standing behind the mob)

Shrek: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.

(The mob gasps)

Shrek: Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin...

(Shrek slowly approaches as the villagers back away in fear)

Villager: No!

Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

(The villager waves his torch in Shrek's face. Shrek casually licks his fingers and pinches the flame, extinguishing the torch. The villager drops it)

Villager 1: Right.

(Shrek terrifies the mob with a great frightening roar, his spit extinguishing all the remaining torches. He wipes his mouth and waits for the villagers to stop shouting)

Shrek: (whispering) This is the part where you run away.

Villagers: (gasping)

(Shrek laughs as the men drop their torches and pitchforks and run away as fast they can)

Shrek: And stay out!

(He looks down and picks up a wanted poster dropped by one of the villagers. He reads it aloud)

SHREK: "Wanted. Fairytale creatures".

(He sighs and walks off. dropping the poster to the ground)

THE NEXT DAY - FOREST
Fairy tale creatures are put in chains and led into wagons by Duloc Guards. The Captain of the Duloc Guards sits at a table paying a line of people their rewards for turning in the fairytale creatures. Those waiting in line include Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Geppetto who is carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer carrying the Three Little Pigs.

Guard: All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

The Captain: Next!

Guard: (Taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over! (breaks the broom in half)

The Captain: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

(The captain hands over the reward to the villager who turned the witch in. The villager mutters to himself)

Villager: Lousy 20 pieces.

Guard: Get up! Come on!

(Waiting in line is Donkey on a leash and his owner. He looks in horror at the witch and a group of dwarves being loaded into a wagon)

Guard: Sit down there! Keep quiet!

Mama Bear and Papa Bear are locked inside giant cages, with Little Bear in his own cage

Little Bear: (crying) This cage is too small.

Donkey: (To his owner) Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

Old Woman: Oh, shut up. (smacks Donkey)

The Captain: Next! What have you got?

Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio: I’m not a puppet, I’m a real boy. (his nose grows)

The Captain: 5 shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!

(Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table)

The Captain: Next! What have you got?

Old Woman: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

The Captain: Right. Well, that's good for 10 shillings. If you can prove it.

Old Woman: Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey stays silent)

The Captain: Well?

Old Woman: Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. (Smacks Donkey again) Talk, you boneheaded dolt, talk!

The Captain: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Old Woman: No, no, he talks! He does. (Moving Donkey's lips) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talking-est damn thing you ever saw.

The Captain: Get her out of my sight.

Old Woman: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

(The guards grab the old woman, who struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and starts floating upwards)

Donkey: Hey! I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

3 Little Pigs: He can fly!

The Captain: He can talk!?

Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (The pixie dust's effects begin to wear off) Uh-oh. (He drops out of the air and hits the ground with a thud)

The Captain: Seize him!

(Donkey dodges the guards as they try to grab him and runs deeper into the forest)

Guards: After him! He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!

(Donkey escapes deeper into the forest and runs head first into Shrek's backside. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him and glares down at Donkey. Donkey looks scared of Shrek for a moment, but quickly hides behind him after seeing that the guards have caught up to him)

The Captain: You there! Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

The Captain: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and...(Shrek slowly approaches the group of guards, the guards visibly frightened by him) transport you to... a designated...resettlement...facility?

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army? (smiles)

(The Captain looks behind himself and sees that all the other guards have abandoned him. The Captain tucks tail and runs off. Shrek shakes his head and starts walking back to his swamp. Donkey, impressed by Shrek, follows him)

Donkey: Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!

Shrek: Are you talking to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him) Whoa!

Donkey: Yes. I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Shrek: (annoyed) Oh, that's great. Really.

Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom

[The DreamWorks Animation logo plays out. Credits saying "DreamWorks Pictures Presents" and "A PDI/DreamWorks Production" appear]

[A light shines down on a same storybook from the first movie. It opens, and a British-accented voice (Prince Charming) turns the pages and reads it this time.]

Prince Charming: Once upon a time in a kingdom far far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy. Until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother; who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming!

[Book transitions to Prince Charming, wearing a knight's armor and red cape, riding on horseback. He rides through a forest, snowy mountains and barren desert]

Prince Charming: It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon’s Keep.

EXT. - DRAGON'S KEEP

[Prince Charming arrives at the Dragon's Keep, an ominous castle surrounded by a moat of lava, but sees that the wooden bridge leading across the lava was destroyed by the Dragon from the first movie. Charming uses his bow to shoot a roped arrow to a wooden post on the other side and uses it as a zipline. He looks up at a tower that rises above the rest of the castle, a light shining from its window. He enters the Dragon's Keep]

INT. - DRAGON'S KEEP

Prince Charming: For he was the bravest...

[Prince Charming takes off his helmet, revealing himself to be the narrator's voice. He continues to speak aloud]

Prince Charming: …and most handsome…

[He takes off his hair net and dramatically swishes his hair]

Prince Charming: ...in all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss...

[He sprays air freshener in his mouth]

Prince Charming: …would break the dreaded curse.

[Prince Charming continues through the abandoned castle and reaches the princess' tower]

INT. - THE PRINCESS'S TOWER

[He enters the princess' room and makes his way to her bed where a figure lays down, obscured by the bed's curtains]

Prince Charming: He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess’s chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her--

[Prince Charming pulls the curtain and gasps; the figure is no princess--it's Big Bad Wolf. He is annoyed by the interruption]

Big Bad Wolf: What?

Prince Charming: Princess…Fiona?

Big Bad Wolf: No!

Prince Charming: Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?

Big Bad Wolf: She’s on her honeymoon.

Prince Charming: Honeymoon?! With whom?!

----

[We see various scenes from Shrek and Fiona's honeymoon with the music "Accidentally in Love" by Counting Crows playing. They enter a giant gingerbread house and spend the night there. In the morning, Little Red Riding Hood knocks on the door, fleeing in terror after Shrek and Fiona answer the door. They take the basket she left and have a picnic on the beach. A wave crashes over Shrek and Fiona as they make out in the sand and the Little Mermaid takes Fiona's place. Fiona drags the mermaid by the tail, and throws her into the sea into a group of sharks. Later, Shrek has some dwarves forge Fiona's wedding ring. They run happily through a meadow where an angry mob emerges, chasing after them. Shrek gets caught a trap and villagers surround Fiona, who fends them off. They take turns farting in a mud bath, using fairies trapped in jars for light. They kiss in the moonlight, transitioning to...

EXT. - SWAMP

...their arrival back at Shrek's swamp]

Shrek: It’s so good to be home!

[Shrek scoops Fiona about in his arms and walks to the door of his home]

Shrek: Just you and me and…

[Singing can be heard from inside.]

INT. - SHREK'S HOUSE

[They open the door to find Donkey laying in Shrek's chair]

Donkey: 🎶Two can be as bad as one…🎶

Shrek: Donkey?

[Shrek sets Fiona down]

Donkey: Shrek! Fiona! Well aren’t you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. [chuckles] And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How ‘bout a side of sugar for the steed?

Shrek: Donkey, what are you doing here?

Donkey: Oh! I was just taking care of your love nest for you.

Shrek: Oh, you mean like… sorting the mail and watering the plants?

[Shrek gestures to piles of mail stacked on a stool and potted plants that have withered away]

Donkey: Yeah, and feeding the fish!

Shrek: I don’t have any fish.

Donkey: You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona.

[Donkey walks over to a fish bowl. The water is rancid and the two fish are clearly dead]

Donkey: That Shrek is a rascally devil. Get your…[mumbling]

Shrek: Oh, would you look at the time? Well I guess you’d better be going.

[Shrek opens the front door and beckons Donkey to head out]

Donkey: Hey wait a minute, don’t you want to tell me all about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi?

[Donkey runs back over to the fireplace and Shrek groans in frustration]

Fiona: Um, actually--Donkey? Shouldn’t you be getting home to Dragon?

Donkey: Oh, yeah, that. I don’t know. She’s been all moody and stuff lately...so I thought I’d move back in with you guys!

Fiona: Well you know we’re always happy to see you, Donkey.

[Fiona kneels down to pat Donkey on the head, then Shrek puts his hands on her shoulders]

Shrek: But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together.

[Donkey smiles and stares at Shrek, not taking the hint]

Shrek: Just with each other.

[Donkey continues to stare]

Shrek: Alone.

Donkey: Say no more, say no more. You don’t have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you!

Shrek: Donkey!

Donkey: Yes, roomie?

Shrek: You’re bothering me.

Donkey: Oh, okay. All right, cool. I guess uh… me and Pinocchio was gonna catch a tournament, anyway, so uh.... maybe I’ll see y’all Sunday for a barbecue or something.

[Donkey solemnly walks out the door and shuts it behind him]

Shrek: He’ll be fine. Now, where were we?

[Fiona puts her hands on his arm]

Shrek: Oh. I think I remember.

[The two giggle and Shrek takes her in his arms. He leans her over for a kiss, but they are interrupted by Donkey, who is suddenly standing next to them again]

Shrek: Donkey!

[In his surprise, Shrek accidentally drops Fiona. He leans down to pick her up]

Donkey: I know, I know! Alone! I’m going! I’m going! Hey, but what do you want me to tell these other guys?

[Donkey opens the door, and Shrek and Fiona look up, puzzled]

EXT. - SHREK'S HOME

[A group of uniformed men stand outside, playing a fanfare with their trumpets and drums. A page steps forth with a scroll in his hand. After the fanfare is over, one of the trumpeters begins play the Hawaii Five-0 Theme Song. The page smacks him on the head with his scroll. Shrek and Fiona step outside of the house]

Page: Enough, Reggie. [clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage...

[Upon hearing this news Shrek looks uneasy, while Fiona is smiling]

Page: ...at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing… upon you and your…eh...

[He looks up from the scroll and stares at Shrek]

Page: uh…Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far Far Away. A.K.A. Mom and Dad."

Fiona: Mom and Dad?

Shrek: Prince Charming?

Donkey: Royal ball?! Can I come?

Shrek: We’re not going.

Fiona & Donkey: What?!

Shrek: I mean, don’t you think they might be a bit… shocked to see you like this?

Fiona: Well, they might b