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I ONCE ♥♥♥♥ IN MY PANTS IN 1ST GRADE, SUDDENLY, AND WAS SO HORRIFIED THAT I RAN INTO THE CAFETERIA BATHROOM AND HID IN A STALL, TRYING DESPERATELY TO CLEAN MY BROWN-STAINED TIGHTYWHITIES. AFTER ABOUT 10 MINUTES OF CAREFUL FECES EXCAVATION, I STUFFED MY PANTS FULL OF TOILET PAPER AND WADDLED AROUND SCHOOL FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.

THE COMBINATION OF THE STENCH AND THIS BIZARRE SPECTACLE CAUSED A TEACHER TO CALL MY MOM AS I WAS ON THE BUS, SO WHEN I GOT HOME SHE GENTLY TOOK ME INTO THE BATHROOM AND ASKED ME WHAT WAS IN MY PANTS...

UNABLE TO FORMULATE ANY REASONABLE EXPLAINATION THAT COULD GLOSS OVER THE HORROR OF THE TROUSER-♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, I TOLD HER THAT THE CLOTTED WADS OF DAMP TOILET PAPER WERE A "SURPRISE PRESENT".

Adolph the Nazi reindeer

Had a little Heinie nose,

And if you ever saw it,

You would even say it grows.

All of the other reindeer,

They did anything he said,

'Cause if they disobeyed him,

Most likely they would wind up dead.

Then one rainy D-Day morn

The Allies came to shore.

They said "Adolf, with your heart of hate,

You won't kill Jews anymore!"

Then all the world did hate him

And celebrate his death with glee.

Adolf the Nazi reindeer,

He went down in infamy!

He went down in infamy!

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Obama once told me that he was going to launch the nukes if I ever picked my nose again. On that day I took an oath to install the launch button in my nostril. That was 17 years ago this day. The temptation and stress has driven my body and mind to age an extra 38 years. Though I am only 23, I look 61 years old I haven’t had a date since I was only 10. I’ve been an outcast, a hermit all these years. I’ve never felt so bad for my right hand. I remember the good times… the bad the ugly… Now I believe it is time to make my final choice. Pick my nose… or commit suicide. Either way I die, and no body wins. I guess picking my nose is also considered suicide. So does this mean that this is my suicide note? I guess so. Farewell.