I asked my drug dealer if he had any coke left.
He says to me, "Is Pepsi okay?"

I was addicted to the hokey pokey.
But I turned myself around.

I asked my North Korean friend what life was like over there.
He said he couldn't complain.

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

Would anybody like to buy my vacuum?
It's just collecting dust.

A man assaulted me at the market with a gallon of milk.
How dairy.

I lost my mood ring the other day.
I'm not sure how to feel about that.

I accidentally broke my psychic's crystal ball.
It ended up costing me a fortune.

What does a clock do if it's still hungry?
It goes back four seconds.

I was amazed the first time I got a universal remote.
It changed everything.

A clown held a door open for me yesterday.
It was such a kind jester.

I hate eating brats.
They're the wurst.

Where are average items manufactured?
The Satisfactory.

How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A Brazillian.

How do you turn soup to gold?
Add 24 carrots.

A Doctor, a Priest and a Butcher all walk into a bar.
The Bartender says, 'Is this some kind of joke?'

People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian".
Well, they're not laughing now.

I was gonna meet my date at the gym, but she never showed up.
I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

Jokes about communism are only good if everybody gets them.

I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for.
And I’m not getting any straight answers.

Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.

I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage.
I lost my case.

I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anesthetic.
He said, "Sure, knock yourself out."

I couldn't pay the exorcist so he repossessed my house.

I saw batteries for sale with a sign that said, "Dead Batteries - $1"
I thought to myself, These should be free of charge."

My wife said I was the cheapest man in the world.
I'm not buying it.

I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.

Why did the Mexican need anxiety medication?
For Hispanic attacks.

How did the doctors cure the invisible man?
They took him to the ICU.

How do you introduce a hamburger?
Meet Patty

What do you call a skeleton that goes out in the snow?
A numbskull