When somebody asks me what I did yesterday or last night or over the weekend-- When a friend asks "Hey man, where were you Saturday? I was trying to get a hold of you!" When my boss says, "You're late for your shift! What were you doing?" When someone says something like that to me I always laugh to myself before I answer. "It's too bad you couldn't make it to the party. Man, everybody was askin' about you! What were you doin'?" Well, I couldn't make it to any of these occasions you see because… I was masturbating. Mastur-ba-tion. It's just a word. Masturbation. Masturbating. You say it enough times the word doesn't mean anything. Masturbating, masturbating, masturbating, masturbating, masturbating, masturbating, masturbating. I was masturbating. Needless to say it's an answer that catches people off guard. The next time your boss is pissed and asks where you've been all day just say, "I'm sorry boss, but you see, I was masturbating." Examine the response. Most people laugh. They don't believe me. They think I'm funny. But I'm not trying to be funny. I'm not lying. I was masturbating. I miss a lot of events due to my masturbation. I sometimes go all day. Some people believe it's wrong or it's sick or I'm mentally ill to just sit in a locked room all day and imagine sexual intercourse with women I
don't even know and masturbate. But I'm not hurting anyone. They're my thoughts. Just mine. I masturbate. I go to work. I come home. I masturbate. I watch TV. I masturbate again. I'm not on unemployment. No Food Stamps. I've never taken a penny out of anybody's pocket. People should actually want me to masturbate. Before I ever have to go out somewhere, I always try to masturbate as much as possible. Ten, maybe twelve times. See, that way if I happen to meet a woman, I have
lost a lot of my sex drive from masturbating so much and then I either don't want to-- or don't feel the
need to sleep with a woman as much as if I didn't masturbate. It's complicated. But the point is I'm not sleeping with any women because of my masturbation and therefore I am not spreading any diseases, making unwanted pregnancies, or causing abortions. I'm also not getting married, which will lower incidences of domestic violence as well as the divorce rate. On top of all this I pay more taxes since I have no writeoffs. One would think this would make everybody happy! Masturbating gets a bad rap. By practicing masturbation, I'm making life better for everyone.