what's up my hp lovecraft's cat

If anyone out there ever meets a green ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ named "Chilbert", please stick a sharp object in between his eyes. Send me a pint of his blood in the mail for proof. Thank you for reading up to this point, and if you take anything away from my life's story, know that public busses are portals to hell.

On my fifty-third birthday I was raped by a space alien that came down to Earth from twelve million light-years away. That morning I was awoken at 3:14 AM to the sound of my door being kicked in and an electonic hum, which I would find out was coming from his space craft. You may be wondering how I know the alien was a male. Trust me, I know. He's a real specimen to say the least. He dragged me by my feet onto his flying saucer and used some machine to slow down time aboard his craft. He did this to make me seem crazy, because he kept me prisoner and raped me repeatedly for what felt like decades, but when he had finally had his fill, he plopped me back down in my bed and I was woken up by my alarm clock at 7:00 AM on my fifty-third birthday.

I was thirteen when I woke up from my coma. A nurse was at my side at the time, shifting me around to prevent bed sores. I remember my eyes bursting open as if I had heard a gunshot. I immediately looked directly into the nurse's eyes and screamed, "♥♥♥♥♥♥! ♥♥♥♥♥♥! ♥♥♥♥♥♥! ♥♥♥♥♥♥! ♥♥♥♥♥♥!" I got injected with some sort of sedative and I passed out. My memory from that exact moment up until my fifty-third birthday has been erased.

I had spent my coma in a dream for what felt like an entire lifetime surrounded by clowns who were laughing at me and calling me a ♥♥♥♥♥♥. I didn't know what that meant but I knew it was bad, judging by how much joy they took from that declaration. When I wasn't being accosted by homophobic clowns, I spent my time sucking myself off. I would do it for hours, days, even weeks at a time because it was the only way I was able to feel even a modicum of pleasure in my comatose state. I was unable to achieve orgasm as I had never experienced one before. It was a fruitless effort and I reaped no rewards from my hedonistic activity, but it was my only distraction from the demons that haunted me.

When I was four years old I was put onto a city bus alone by my mother in a desperate attempt to get rid of me. I rode on that bus for approximately fifteen hours before being led off by a nice old homeless man who smelled like perfume and sun-dried fish. He brought me to the alley where he was raised and told me about his adventures with women who pass by at night and get "caught in his web". I thought he was a spider and ran away before he ate me. Like a pigeon, I instinctually ended up back at home by the next morning. I was beaten into a coma.