You know how "The Room" is a movie so bad its good? This game stops just shy of the being good part.

Dual Gear attempts to marry design philosophies from Final Fantasy Tactics, Front Mission and Valkyria chronicles. While there is nothing intrinsically wrong with this the execution is far off base. The idea of controlling these mechs in a 3rd person view and walking around while still planning things out in a quasi turn based RPG fashion is fantastic, however it all falls apart the moment you hit that start button.

Here is a somewhat shortened version of my experience with Dual Gears first 2 missions.

The tutorial begins and I am instructed to move my camera in certain directions. Which directions? Who knows so I wiggle the mouse around for about 1-2 minutes in every conceivable direction like a clock hand gone rogue until I am prompted to walk. So I walk, forward.....Kinda. Immediately my ears are listening to the galloping sound of several sets of feet despite....as far as I can tell at least, that I am piloting a bipedal machine. I make it outside, shoot some turrets and the mission is done fairly swiftly. My ears now ringing from a cacophony of explosions from my bullets still have me a bit addled as there is no way to adjust the volume once you are past the main menu screen.

Mission complete. Now for a cutscene of hilariously translated dialogue and were dropped into combat "Rock & Load!" says Ajay, A unique catchphrase or the common mis use or "La's and Ra's"? Ill leave that to you to figure out.

We navigate some awkward missile weapon controls by holding down LMB after first pressing LMB. My missile launcher fires 4 missiles and it determines how many missiles are fire based on how long you look at a selected enemy while holding the fire key, each missile takes somewhere around a quarter to half second to lock so you better be fast on swapping targets unless you just really want to make a hail marry barrage and ♥♥♥♥ that one guy in particular.

"For Chris's sake!" -Kenji

We mop up two wave of missile turret enemies when a particularly awesome looking black mech makes way into the battlefield via seemingly missing jet booster effects, forgivable I suppose given its in beta... What begins is the most drawn out and grueling fight I have had to deal with in a game in quite some time, turn after turn I can feel the wrinkles in the corners of my eyes form like rings within a log over the course of many summers. Each 46% hit chanced missed after another. Eventually I begin to wonder if this is one of those fights you are supposed to lose. You know the ones, Final Fantasy 2's Dark Knight's intro, The Wolf In old Yarnam from Bloodbourne or any first Boss in a souls game. But I press on, why? Because I have early 2000's nostalgia from my Front Mission 4 days riding on the line here and I need to recapture that to remind me that not everything in life doesnt matter and well all evaporate to dust coasting the cosmos in one amalgamous cloud one day until we all fade in to the very ethers of time. This is important

"♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ it!" -Ajay

The Boss's HP is low, I position my melee unit behind him for the death knell, the Quick time event for melee actions appears on my screen and BOOM, POW, KABLAM! ♥♥♥♥ you Alma, my team mate who was on the opposite side of the boss and just got hit by my melee unit that somehow missed the boss and just lobbed your arm off. Thats what you get for taking my sandwich from the breakroom fridge you sneaky ♥♥♥♥♥! One office HR session and decade long mech fight later a new player has joined the game! An epic cutscene plays out where the Masked Pilot slams the Boss around like the time in 1998 the Undertaker threw Mankind off Hell in A Cell, and plummeted 16ft through an announcer's table.

The mission is concluded, I am rewarded with my "Bronze Narwhal Emblem", skip past the next cutscene because the humor from poorly translated Japanese has already worn off and I need to get my old pals Alt and F4 in this ♥♥♥♥♥ quick before I cant refund the game anymore.

Look, Dual gear has potential, or maybe that's childhood hope and nostalgia rearing its head again. But I hope the game can make the needed improvements to flourish into something incredible. But until then....

For Chris's sake!

3 Bronze Narwhals out of 10.