1.Wife: If I become fat and ugly will you leave me?
*Husband starts laughing*
Wife:What?!?!
Husband: I'm still here, aren't I?

2.Dad: Why are you crying?
Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!
Dad: I'll be right back... (grabs shotgun)
*Dad gets home.*
Girl: What the hell?!?! Why did you go and kill him?!?!
Dad: I didn't.
Girl: Where did you go?
Dad: To get you ice cream :D
Girl: Why the hell did you bring a shotgun?!?!
Dad: So I could get it for free.

3.Guy 1: Did you know that "sugar" is the only word in the English language that the "su" makes a "sh" sound?
Guy 2: Really?
Guy 1: Yeah, for SURE.

4.You: Dad, can i get some money for some coke?
Dad: Sure, is $60 enough?
You: Dad, it's $1.25.
Dad: Wow, the price sure went down from when i was a kid...
You: DAD! COCA-COLA!
Dad: Oh...

5.Teacher: Look, the equation is simple. I have 5 bottles in one hand, and six bottles in the other. What do I have?
Student: A drinking problem?

6.Son: My math teacher yelled at me today!
Dad: Why?!?!
Son: My teacher asked me what 3x2 is, and I answered 6.
Dad: That's right!
Son: Then she asked me what 2x3 is.
Dad: WTF is the difference?!?!
Son: That's what I said...

7.Mother: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!
Kid: Out.
Mother: HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?!?!
Kid: No, just smoking weed, gang bashing everyone we can find, stealing cars, throwing bricks at windows, threatening people with axes, stealing TVs, and mugging old ladies.
Mother: Oh, you had me worried for a second. :D

8. I waited for 10 years, 11 months, 30 days, 12 hours, and 26 minutes. Then I had to admit I wasn't getting an acceptance letter from Hogwarts.

9. The kid next door was running around the garden waving a pretend wand and shouting out spells.
" I bet you really wana be like Harry Potter, don't you?" I asked him.
"Yeah" he shouted excitedly.
So I killed his parents and locked him under the stairs. :D

10. A boy goes to a strip club; his mom gets angry and asks him: "Did you see anything there that you weren't supposed to see?"
Boy: "Yeah, I saw dad." :)

11. Dad: When I beat you at games and stuff, you never get annoyed. How do you control your anger?
Son: Well, I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad: Huh? How does that satisfy you?
Son: I use your toothbrush :)

You Play To Much Mw2 When:

You Yell "EMP All Electronics Are Offline!" When The Power Goes Out

The Sec your Dog Jumps On You, You Snap Its Neck

You Think You Have Comando Pro On So You Jump Off A 5 Story Building

You walk into your bosses office, open his briefcase, make some beeping noises and throw it out the window saying "Bomb defused."

You put a flare on top of your xbox so you can spawn by it when you wake up.

You kill a bug and whisper "Tango down