I sexually Identify as John Cena. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of defending my WWE championship at WWE SUPERSLAM. People say to me that a person being John Cena is Impossible and I'm ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ retarded but I don't care, You Can't See Me. I'm having Vince McMahon inject me with Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect. From now on I want you guys to call me "Champ" and respect my right to Five Knuckle Shuffle and Never Give Up. If you can't accept me you're a cenaphobe and need to check your championship privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

Every time I play casual I grow more and more fearful during my drive to work. I look over at the guy beside me on the highway and think, is this the guy who was camping on A plat on dust2, not peeking anything, could see that a teammate was killed at long, hears the terrorists run from long A to CT spawn, never peeking them. Continues to camp A as his teammates are slaughtered at B, hears the bomb get planted, searches around A site for 25 seconds, can't find the bomb because it's not there, drops his weapon, picks it up, runs long A, back to A site to continue searching for the bomb, at which point he gets shot in the back of the head from the stampede of terrorists coming from CT spawn that he heard coming 10 seconds prior.
As I see him start to merge in front of me I see flashbacks of his play on dust2 and can only imagine the destruction that lies ahead as he is now not only in charge of a virtual character in a game, but he's in full control of a 2 ton killing machine.
I then think, does he have children? Has he figured out how to feed them? Have his children had to fend for themselves since birth as their father was too incompetent to do so? Does he carry his high-school diploma around? Does he know what to do with his hair? What does he do if there's inclement weather?