typical game on dominions 5

spend 3 hours trying to figure out the UI. once you get settled you host up a game and make a god who you think is pretty cool and interesting looking. spend the next 4 days waiting for everyone to connect and pick their faction and god.

game finally starts up and you do your turn, occasionally you will have everyone in the game online at once and get to do 2 or 3 turns in a whole day, but typically you do 1 turn every 1-2 days.

then some ♥♥♥♥♥♥ friend will always be last because he's hanging out with his 2/10 gf who suspiciously he only got with after he received his $1200 trump bucks. he logs in ques up some more spam guys he has no clue of their purpose, clicks around a few times and closes because he can't wait 15 seconds for the auto host to que up the next turn. you end up waiting another day for him as he will once again be last to do his turn thus stalling the game on for a day longer than needed

that's when it happens, you're in about turn 10 and you see one of your opponents swarming 3 or 4 of your provinces with exactly the same army composition, that's when you realize they were reading a guide the whole time and you've been playing against an automatic chess bot equivalent of an opponent. you get trolled a bit but still try to keep playing even though you're fighting a grand master level chess bot that has a statistical 97% winrate.

inevitably you lose to the flawless theory crafted guide army that was meticulously put together by an autistic mathematician with 4,753 hours in game. you ask your guide reading friend if he wants to play again but he just claims the game is too easy and lacks strategy.

at this point you give up on multiplayer and try to squeeze out some singleplayer by doing joke builds like huge titty trample lady, floaty particle man, or fulfilling your fantasy of being a dragon god. Then having a quick fap to the dryad futa and centaur orgy faction before quitting

Story Mode is a cautionary tale about the power of ayahuasca. One day a man gets super high on ayahuasca in the jungle for funsees. He wanders around in the jungle getting higher on more ayahuasca. Then he forgets where he is and loses his memory and takes even more ayahuasca. This causes him to take ayahuasca again because he was still high and forgot he was high on ayahuasca. Ayahuasca.

Moral of the story: If you take ayahuasca don't take more ayahuasca while you're still high on ayahuasca.

Survival mode is about you going around picking up sticks and rocks, and trying to start a fire so you can cook the dead toad you killed with a rock. Then you get mauled by a jaguar along the way, getting your gnashed open leg infected and then limping through the forest. You get a fever from infection, and so you find some water and drink it so you don't die of dehydration. But the water is infected with parasites. You start to starve from the stolen nutrients, so you find another tasty frog to eat, but it gives you food poisoning. You are now throwing up everywhere and dumping in your shorts until you've exhausted all your nutrients and pass out from exhaustion in the dirt. You wake up a couple hours later in the dark in the rain, covered in leechs and painful worms that have burrowed into your skin. Then you die.