Análises recentes de HairyMary

I was making my way back home with a car load of groceries and one and a half empty crates of beer on the floor beside me after smashing a shop window and pissing on the driver of a yellow car who told me I smelled like ♥♥♥♥. I'd been drinking all afternoon in town because I spent the day pumping crap from people's septic tanks so that I could eventually afford mail-order steel headers for my Satsuma when I saw the cops. The beer hadn't done my driving any favours and a red line at the top of the screen told me it hadn't done my bladder any favours either but not wanting to lose the day's hard earned on a fine, I kept driving while pissing, drinking, swearing, speeding and throwing empties out the window. This continued nicely right up until the point where I drove under the truck.

Good times. Noodle salad.

Buy this game. Your life will not be complete until you own it.

Initial thoughs, 1 hour into the game.......
Having played to DEATH the original Thief releases my first thoughts are:
1. What happened to Garrett's voice
and
2. Who saw the need for the cliched, leather clad girl with heavy mascara and all that "sass"? Remember that episode of the Simpsons where the producers of Itchy & Scratchey decide to introduce "Poochie" the skate-board riding dog? This girl is the Poochie of the Thief franchise.
So far, I hate this game to the same degree that I LOVED the originals.
I'll play some more and see if I can't bump the girl off ......... or at least have her stop acting like a would be porn harlet / Cat Woman hybrid.

UPDATE -
So the goth chick died during a cut scene or disappeared form the game without any real explanation - so that's something.
Why does Garrett now dress in Edward Scissor Hand's old hand-me-downs?

UPDATE -
Who keeps locking all of the windows behind me? Break into a house. Break out of a house. Seriously. Who is following me around locking all of the damned windows????
And why can't I navigate my way around the city with more ease? I could give a good ♥♥♥♥ about trying to solve a puzzle involving moving about the roofs looking for my next objective. This is just like punishment!

UPDATE -
I've become tired of attempting to navigate my way around the Stone Market area and can think of a thousand things I'd rather be doing - like volunteering for chemotherapy. What were the designers thinking when they decided that making your way from one mission to another should involve a stupid, convoluted rooftop maze whose aim is to invoke ever increasing levels of frustration? Seriously - I just want to play the missions.

This is far too much like hard labour.

FINAL UPDATE -
Things I think while playing Thief -
Why am I stuck in this pile of timber unable to find an exit?
Why can I not jump?
Why have a rope arrow that can only be shot into certain, pre-determined pieces of timber and is essentially useless?

I hate this game................. I really hate this game.

Run, shoot, carry a dog, throw a grenade, run, shoot - LOOK OUT! A bad man is shooting dad! Run everyone - BIG EXPLOSION - running and shooting - I'VE BEEN HIT. I'm ok now. Run and shoot. Yay! We're all winners.

Is that the bottom of the barrell I can see up ahead.

I hate this game.

I'd forgotten why I'd uninstalled it months back but a brief reminder was all it took for the whole sorry thing to come flooding back. Here is a stream of consciousness rant to sum out how ♥♥♥♥♥♥ this game is......
I don't have a convenient group of people to play this with so I have to play alone and what an impossibly difficult proposition that is.
The AI guards are imbued with super hero powers of detection so once one of them has spotted you, it's like you wear a neon sign for the rest of theround - people honing in on your position. Don't bother hiding. The police force is INFINITE and seem not to care that hundreds of their number have been slaughtered before them. They just keep coming like.
I've never once completed a mission or come even reasonably close. The game tells me again and again that I can for instance. barricade windows etc but offers no materials to do that with. The missions themselves are just ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ outlandish too. Quite aside form the fact that there is NO option to be stealthy, who the f**k tries to cook crystal meth in a house being raided by police? For 3 days?
This game sucks. Really it does.

YAWN............ I have no time to waste playing a game that asks me to enjoy trivialities such as guessing how to climb through that hole in the ceiling or walk across those rickety boards on the ground without falling down. Why do people inflict these f**king stupid puzzles on humanity? As a day to day analogy it's like the bus driver telling you to guess his age before he'll let you purchase a ticket. F**K OFFF. I DON'T CARE.

Oh my god. JUST END ALREADY. ♥♥♥♥♥♥ groundhog day with aliens on a space station. The first 2/3 of the game - INCREDIBLE.
The final part? Let me describe it for you. Take 2 hours to crawl past an alien after searching on my belly for 20 minutes to find someway forward out of the burning space station. Turn on a switch. Oooops. Generator's gone. Better spend another 30 minutes crawling back to fix it. Oh finally. The ship is here. What's that? Oh I need to turn on a bunch of stuff. Ok. Oh no. Stuff's broken. Oh an alien. Now I am stuck in a wall miles away from the ship. Let mecrawl back. Ooops now I am falling some more.............JUST ♥♥♥♥♥♥ EAT ME ALREADY!

What is the hype around this game all about? It certainly isn't about the actual game play because there is precvious little of that. It can't be the combat system which looks as if it were stolen from the reject bin of some pokemon developer. Is it the story? Perhaps but it's not so compelling I'd pay again to hear it.
Frustrating mechanics and game play coupled with a worse than ♥♥♥♥♥♥ treasure / reward system is only mildly redeemed by the excellent sounddtrack and nice-ish art work.
2/5.

My word I like this. Playing it took me way back in time to the release of the original. It maybe sacrilege to say so but think this is even better now than the original was way back then. It's like meeting your incredibly hot ex 20 years in the future and finding out that she hasn't aged a day but somehow managed to become 10 times hotter.
So in summary, my hot ex is better than this game and given the chance I would play her all day BUT this game is good too.

I am fairly certain that I have enjoyed playing this game but I am not sure why. If the devs could place a fat woman named Polly into the cubicle adjacent to Stanley's and have her blast halitosis at him while talking about her church's "youth group" this game might be miy life - and then I would have to kill myself.

I have no idea what just happened - but i liked it. Fantastic stuff. More now please.