Are you okay?
No, and I probably never will be.

What's wrong?
People, society, everything. I am now the most cynical misanthrope there ever was. I'll never trust anyone again no matter what.

What happened?
Extremely traumatizing events in a long chain of continuing horrible things. I finally stopped vomiting daily on April 8th (started November 22nd) and only do so occasionally now. I have vivid nightmares every night, frequent breakdowns and have not gone a single day without intense crying. It's apparently PTSD and very embarrassing. No man should ever have this pain, especially when every single thing was preventable. I feel so guilty for everything as well as my inability to prevent or fix so much. I wish I could have been in every place earlier to change it all...

That's very generic.
The few aware understand, but there's a lot of deeply personal things along with family tragedy I'm not even supposed to tell anyone. I don't want to say too much or give anyone the wrong idea, either. Some people know how truly bad it is and how much it's affected my daily life.

What do you want?
I would like simply to be happy. I don't want to be hurt anymore, but it feels like everyone hates me and is out to get me now. Some people seem to have intentionally decided to hurt or taunt me even more still after all this time. It would be nice to hear that I'm not a hated monster and that my life does have actual value to at least someone. Even people in public are beginning to treat me like dirt now and I can't understand why. I'd give anything to go back to the only time in my entire life when I truly felt joy, the happiest I had ever been, finally having good things happen. Spending every day with the best friend I ever had, looking forward to the future after feeling miserable for so long... losing that lost myself. I'm not some sort of accessory without feelings for people to use, but I sure feel treated this way. Various friends, family, all those who claimed to love me seem to not appreciate anything and take it all for granted. Honestly, I hate everything about this fallen world and I wish I could have just been left alone from everything.

Will you be okay?
I sincerely don't believe I will. I never thought this would take such an immense toll on me, but constant false hopes and being severely traumatized by the worst things I've ever seen (much more than even some people know) of the most beautiful thing I've ever cherished and loved on top of everything else falling apart will do that. In addition, I have physical pains including intense chest pain/heart palpitations and migraines that nothing can be done about and my stress just keeps increasing. Embarrassingly, I even hurt myself several times which I had never done before in addition to at least thirteen sincere attempts to end it. I'm very broken. I'm not sure if I handled everything correctly and constantly flip-flop, but shock and extreme dishonesty has affected me greatly. I'm sick of lies from everybody. You can only work with the truth and with others who are willing to put in that same effort. You'd be surprised at just how much total honesty affects things. All I ever needed were people to be completely honest with me in their words and actions. I find it hard to believe anyone has feelings anymore with how I've seen people act.

That's very dramatic and you're just being a baby.
I feel emotions incredibly strongly, especially negative ones. Some people knew that and still decided it was okay to hurt me. I don't just "move on" over things that meant a lot or genuinely impact me. I don't retroactively hate things/people, lash out or pull a "split" because I get sad. I actually don't even hate anyone except for two very specific men who have done unspeakably evil things to different people I care deeply for. Sometimes, there just seems to be no way forward regardless of time, effort or desire. Being torn in two equal pieces constantly fighting, uncertainty of what to do and regret either way is extraordinarily painful . It doesn't matter anymore. In fact, all I've learned recently pretty much shows that nothing seemed to truly matter to anyone, least of all some people that I thought it did.

Why did you write this?
I don't know. Maybe in hopes someone would read it. I don't like when people disappear with no explanation. Might as well explain my absence, though I'm sure no one feels quite the same. I went six months without even touching any video games or Steam and people asked why once I tried to play games again. You can just go ahead and remove me like several already have.

Do you not like video games anymore?
Not really, no. Too many reminders in so many games and I just can't enjoy them on my own now. Same reason I can't listen to the radio really anymore. Everything feels personally targeted now. I can't really enjoy much of anything anymore.

Are you insane?
Yes, certainly.

How do I contact you?
I'd take a call or text from anyone . If you don't have my phone number, there are certain people you could probably get it from if you needed it, but I don't expect anyone to go that far. No point anyway.

When are you coming back?
Probably not ever.

Do not succumb to the temptations put forth by modern society. Do not do any sort of drugs or put harmful substances in your body, no matter how "cool" it seems or how good it makes you feel. Remain lucid, do not indulge in mind-altering substances and drink responsibility, avoiding drunkenness. Do not let peer pressure get to you nor fear of missing out. Choose your friends wisely, do not blindly trust anyone and be cautious always. Avoid the destructive social media and close any and all accounts you have. Use money wisely, avoid impulse purchases or frivolous spending. Do not watch pornography or engage in lustful habits. Everything you post online is permanent and it can and will be found much easier than you think. Flee from fornication as pre-marital sex pales to true commitment and love within marriage and will only bring you and others immense pain. Your body is a temple, treat it well and do not tarnish it with self-destructive behaviors. Pleasure from sin is fleeting and it will come back to haunt you. Have respect for yourself, never do something demeaning or that could ruin the future for you no matter what pressures there are or how trapped you feel. You never have to do anything you truly don't want to and must never do anything that you know in your heart is wrong. Ignore popularity or seeming cool, just do what is right and ask yourself for every action "will this prevent me from achieving what I want in life". Treat others proper and always be honest in everything no matter what. Honesty is the foundation for a healthy life, don't let fears and lies get in the way. Even if you have faltered, you can find peace. Repent and sin no more, make amends and absolve your guilt. Earthly consequences for your actions may make things more difficult, but forgiveness and true reconciliation are always guaranteed by Christ. God bless...