You're kidding me? That hunk of a man, Midbeast, is an E-Sports athlete? Unbelievable. He could be a Calvin Klien model. Or a pro footballer with a ripped physique like that. That is by far the hottest cyber sportsman to ever grace the esports industry. I'd let him beast his way through my mid any day.

I'm not gay, but I want to live in a log cabin in the woods with Mohamed Salah. We won't ever have sex, but there will be a simmering erotic undercurrent as I stand in the kitchen window watching him hitting free kicks on the yard outside and running cone drills shirtless, sweat pouring off his body. I'll run upstairs and masturbate, the entire time forcing myself to think of women while my thoughts drift back to Mohamed Salah. I won't be able to climax and I'll eventually go back downstairs, angry and sexually frustrated. Sometimes we will look across the table at dinner and catch each other's eyes, and in that second, anything is possible, but we both deny ourselves and go back to what we were doing. One day one of us will die, and the other will bury him outside the log cabin. Then he'll go inside, pen a brief missive to his departed friend, and commit suicide, never able to deal with life without his one true platonic love.

Curse you Perry the Platypus.

Please stop throwing old cabbages over the fence onto my strawberries. This is your last warning.