[Open on Morty combing his hair in the bathroom mirror. He is wearing an orange sweater vest, a yellow dress shirt, and an olive tie.]
Pickle Rick: (offscreen, in the distance) Morty.
Morty: Rick?
[Morty stops combing, looks around, then continues combing]
Pickle Rick: (offscreen, in the distance) Morty!
Morty: Rick?
Pickle Rick: (offscreen, in the distance) Hey, Mooorty!
Morty: Rick? Are you far away, or are you inside something?
[Morty opens a cabinet beneath the bathroom sink]
Is this a camera?
[Morty tries to look inside his comb for a camera]
Is everything a camera?
[Morty nervously glances around]
Pickle Rick: (offscreen, in the distance) Morty, the garage, Morty. Come to the garage!
[Transition to Morty entering the garage. There is a pickle and a screwdriver on Rick's work bench]
Pickle Rick: Morty?
Morty: Rick? W-where are you?
Pickle Rick: On my work bench, Morty.
Morty: Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me?
Pickle Rick: Flip the pickle over.
Morty: What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien ♥♥♥♥ or something.
Pickle Rick: Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge.
[Morty hesitantly picks up the screwdriver and turns the pickle over. The pickle has Rick's face on it] I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal: I'm a pickle. What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-what are you just staring at me for, bro? I turned myself into a pickle, Morty!
Morty: And?
Pickle Rick: "And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and 9/11 was an inside job?
Morty: Was it?
Pickle Rick: Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before: I'm a pickle. I'M PICKLE RIIIICK!!
Morty: Are you going to, I mean, you know, is this the first part of some magic trick?
Pickle Rick: I don't do magic, Morty, I do science. One takes brains, the other takes dark eye liner.
Morty: Well, can you move? Can you fly?
Pickle Rick: I wouldn't be much of a pickle if I could.
Morty: All right, well, do pickles live forever or --
Pickle Rick: Morty, stop digging for hidden layers and just be impressed. I'm a pickle.
Morty: I-I'm just trying to figure out why you would do this. Why anyone would do this.
Pickle Rick: The reason anyone would do this is, if they could, which they can't, would be because they could, which they can't.
[Beth and Summer enter the garage from the house. Beth is wearing a midi mahogany pencil dress while Summer is wearing a shorter pink dress with a hot pink jacket, along with black stockings and black heels]
Beth: Morty, we have to get going, or we're gonna be late. Where's your grandpa?
Pickle Rick: Right here, sweetie. I'm a pickle!
Beth: What!? Why would you -- Look, we're running late. We have to go.
Pickle Rick: Where are you guys going?
Beth: We have an appointment downtown that was set a week ago and agreed upon by everyone, including you.
Pickle Rick: Oh, my God. Beth, oh, it totally slipped my mind. Geez, oh, man. I'm a pickle. I mean, I don't know if I can, ooh, geez.
Morty: Rick, did you do this on purpose to get out of family counseling?
Beth: Morty!
Pickle Rick: It's okay, Beth. I understand Morty's suspicion. I've misled him before. Morty, turn me so we're making eye contact.
[Morty turns Pickle Rick's face so that it is facing him]
Morty, I assure you, I would never "find a way" to "get out of" family therapy. I hope my lack of fingers doesn't prevent the perception of my air quotes.
Summer: Can't you just turn yourself back into a human?
Pickle Rick: Great question, Summer. The unfortunate answer is I did this to challenge myself. And it could take hours or even days before I'm able to figure out how to return to human form. But, I mean, you know, your mom could put me in a purse or a pocket, you know, if she really needs me to go.
Beth: Nobody needs anything! Okay, it's fine. I mean, you should just stay here and figure out how to stop being a pickle, okay?
Morty: Hey, Rick, why is there a syringe of mysterious fluid hanging directly over you? Also, why is the string attached to it running through a pair of scissors attached to a timer? And why is the time set to 10 minutes from now, exactly when we would have left for therapy?
Pickle Rick: Well, Morty, if you know must know, the syringe is completely unrelated to this discussion, and, therefore, it does not warrant further explanation.
[Beth cuts off the syringe and takes it]
Beth: Enough. Kids, it's time to go. We don't want to be late.
[Beth puts the syringe in her purse]
Pickle Rick: W-w-what are you doing there, Beth? What are you doing there, sweetie?
Beth: Well, I mean, you don't want to get pierced by a needle full of liquid unrelated to your situation. How's that gonna help?
Pickle Rick: Can't argue with that.
Beth: Great. We'll see you later.
[Beth, Summer, and Morty enter the car.]
Pickle Rick: Hey, hey, be careful with that. It's for something else. It's really important, so don't break it.
[Beth drives away with Summer and Morty. They all exit.]
Pickle Rick: Okay, I may have ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up here. Dup, ap, ap, pap, ut, dah, pap, pap, pap, pah. T-t-tah, tah. [clicks tongue]
Izzy walks in through the open garage door and jumps onto Rick's work bench. She sniffs around]
Pickle Rick: Oh, great. Stupid cat.
[Izzy sniffs Pickle Rick and hisses]
Pickle Rick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I know what it looks like to you, Izzy, but I'm not a snake! I've seen the YouTube videos, I know cats are scared of cucumbers and pickles because they think they're snakes. I'm not a snake! I'm a pickle, I'm a pickle!
[Izzy bats at Pickle Rick and knocks him off of the work bench, causing him to roll down the driveway]
Pickle Rick: Whoa! Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[Pickle Rick is directly facing the sky]
Pickle Rick: Oh, crap, that sun is bright.
[Pickle Rick begins to sweat]
Pickle Rick: Okay, come on. This can't really be the way I go out. This is the mega-genius equivalent of dying on the toilet.
[Pickle Rick starts to shrivel up]
Pickle Rick: So... hot. This is how I'm gonna die.
[Thunder can be heard and the shadow of a cloud appears overhead. It starts to rain. Pickle Rick stops shriveling]
Pickle Rick: Oh, God, moisture.
[The rain gets heavy and it begins to flood]
Pickle Rick: Oh, God, the moisture! Dial it back, God! Dial it back a little bit here!
[Pickle Rick starts rolling down the road]
Pickle Rick: Oh! Oh!
[Pickle Rick rolls towards a sewer grate]
Pickle Rick: Oh, God! Perpendicular, perpendicular!
[Pickle Rick rolls into the sewer grate and falls into the sewer]
Pickle Rick: OH, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!!! Oh! Oh! Oh!
[Pickle Rick hits many pipes before eventually falling onto a solid surface. There are bugs crawling around. One bug walks up to a pile of dirt. Pickle Rick bites his lip and pickle juice comes out. The bug turns around]
Pickle Rick: Come on. That's it.
[The bug walks towards Pickle Rick]
Pickle Rick: Come get this delicious brine.
[The bug is in front of Pickle Rick. Pickle Rick bites on its head and squeezes it until the bug dies.]
Pickle Rick: Aah! Come on! Come on, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥! Come on!
[Pickle Rick licks off the top of the bug's head, revealing its brain. He then licks part of the brain and the bug's leg moves. He rolls onto the bug and licks its brain, moving its legs forward and moving him forward with it]
Pickle Rick: Yes!
[Transition to Beth, Summer, and Morty sitting in a waiting room outside of Dr. Wong's therapy office. Beth is reading a magazine, while Summer sits with her head resting on her fist. The door to her office reads: "Dr. WONG / FAMILY THERAPY / COPROPHRAGIA RECOVERY". There is a motivational picture of a man eating a hot dog which reads "COURAGE" underneath it.]
Summer: How is this even family therapy if Dad's not invited and Grandpa won't come?
Morty: Yeah, and what's courageous about eat