Born 26 years ago in 1983, to a brief liaison between a Bavarian dentist and a cross-dressing nun, Jon was rapidly labelled a prodigy by child psychologists and permanently lowered the bar for the assessment of the ‘special’. Hidden away to avoid scaring the voices, he lived in a hallway closet in a Mornington Crescent bed-and-breakfast, subsisting on diet of belly-button fluff and patronising haikus. He was mistaken for a wrench and taken home by a optimistically dyslectic boiler repair man in need of a wife. Horrified at his mistake the erstwhile British Gas employee of the month decided to let nature take his course and abandoned the future saviour of mankind in the barbaric wilds of Glasgow. Adopted and nurtured by a family of feral radishes Jon gained in years almost as fast as they passed. To the great pride of his legumic parents he received a scholarship to Gordonstoun upon the condition that he never spoke. After graduating with a higher in 18th century agrarian techniques and embroidery he realised his potential and enlisted in the Woman’s Ballooning Corp. A paperwork error saw him transferred to the Infantry where he amazed his peers with his disregard for firearms safety and his ability to acquire injuries. Due to public pressure, budget restrictions and new health and safety legislations he was discharged from the army and the mouth of a cannon simultaneously. Unemployed and dejected he struggled to make something of his life. After eight long months Jon’s dreams were realised when he finally managed to unlock the bathroom door and leave his flat. Recognizing that such determination was all too common in the modern world Halliburton PLC gave him a job working offshore in order to ensure that the people of Britain could go about their lives without fear of encountering him. Jon remains offshore to this day on an abandoned oil rig in the Caspian Sea surrounded by minefields, sharks and laser activated Celine Dion records. Jon has an imaginary pet iguana with delusions of grandeur and a girlfriend on the internet called Russel. Jon is 46 and ½.

The Dark Side Clan [www.tds-clan.co.uk]