Recent reviews by ouch

Endless fun (especially if you have booze.) Great for entertaining the gamers and non-gamers in your life alike. Quiplash 2 is the mainstay and the others are just there for when you get bored of Quiplash...

This game is not a cult.

Don't worry, it's free to play, but eventually you'll run out of warframe slots.

Ok, you say, checking your budget, I can afford to spend $5 on platinum!

A few more hours pass. Your foundry begins to fill. Bosses start becoming easier, and the grind more enjoyable.

Eventually, after buying a few warframe and weapon slots, you start to feel that your character's A E S T H E T I C does not represent the hours you've put in to leveling. You've put about 100 hours in these past 2 months, and you already feel like a pro. So why the hell not? You buy a cool looking "syandana" thing, and it has flames coming out the back so you already feel twice as powerful!

Within your first 6 months you have amassed a few color palattes, a few prime frames, and cool looking armor. You've roped your friends in so you can all feel like space-pirate-power-rangers together.

Then maybe a glitch happens, or your files corrupt, or you move somewhere with internet that can't even handle your search engine, or worse, DE releases another update the size of Texas and instead of being excited, you decide to take a hiatus. Do you even like this game?

You try playing other games, but it doesn't feel the same. You miss being able to jump 50 feet in the air and turn invisible. Nothing quite matches the feeling of winning a level by fingering W and E harder than a doctor examining a prostate. Or maybe it's just because you've spent more time and money on this game than you care to admit.

Reluctantly, you rope yourself back in. Things have changed since the last update. Solar map X.0 is very different from solar map (X-3).0, but you eventually forget all about it. However, when you notice all your friends are now 5 mastery ranks ahead of you, a switch goes off in your head that sends you into absolute lunacy. You haven't kept a budget since, well, you don't remember, so you stock up on plat. It is 75% off as per your conveniently rewarded log in bonus. There are even more things to build, level up, paint, dress up, and hoard, so you figure you better get started.

Within a week or two you've caught up. You have 7 pets in stasis, and all of the prime warframes. No, wait, you're missing (however many are vaulted) of them! You never thought you'd ever buy prime access, giving in to your carnal desires for shiny things that no one else has. Alas, it comes with a free warframe slot so it's worth it, right?

After a while, the game gets way too easy. You can speedrun Alad V as easily as wiping sauce off a pasta bowl. You and your friends regularly do sorties and raids to show off your progress and how overpowered you've become.

Panic! You just got an alert! Is it gift of the lotus? Is it nitain? Tellerium? A formorian you have to sweep away? No, it is from your bank, and your checking accound has just gone into the negative. But wait, you thought you were good with money?

Upon checking your transaction history, you are shocked. This free to play game has just sucked you dry. You realize you haven't been to work in a while. What does a flower smell like again?

This game has become your crack, your liquor, your scientologist preacher! It's taken all you own, and for what? Shiny robots with voluptuous curves?

You try to run away. But much like Tom Cruise, you realized you've spent too much money on this thing to give it up entirely, and so you become a stronger advocate of the game than ever. You play for hours on end, hoping to get as far as you can with what you have already spent. You learn to actually manage your inventory for once, and get involved with the trading economy, selling off your more valuable items for precious plat. You beg more people to join! This game is the best game ever made! Look how funny the glitches are, and how hilariously the grineer talk! Watch what happens when I press 4 and then 5!

Denial is in full swing now. This has been time well spent. You even go out of your way to write a positive review of the game.

You know what, I don't know what all the fuss that I've been making is about! This game is fantastic. The randomly generated levels and carefully selected and well thought out game types never get repetitive! Interception missions are my favorite, even more so if they are arcwing based! Shotguns are so useful; I'm glad they get all of the good mods, but too bad they rarely drop! And riven challenges aren't annoying at all! I don't miss fusion cores: magic dust and credits are much more intuitive! Don't even get me started on fissures, and the lack of survival missions for them doesn't make me want to cry. After all, fighting randomly spawning enemies that are 10 levels higher than the regular ones in the middle of a spy mission isn't annoying at all. Baro K'teer always has what I'm looking for, and at a reasonable price! Darvo Deals are not a scam!

And most importantly, remember: Warframe is not a cult.

"Payed review":

I honestly love it so far.

Music is fantastic.

Gameplay is tight as ♥♥♥♥.

Reminds me of a mix of halo and doom 2.

Worth the money.

Buy it.

Now.

It's not a cult.

Join us.

JOIN US.

Real review:
There's a reason I only played this game for 9 minutes.
It's bland and unfinished.
And I was drunk when I bought it.
It's not really worth it in its current state.
Go spend $0 on literally any other fps from 1996 if you want an fps from 1996, there are plenty and all of them are better than this one.

Pros:
Hot tutorial lady (obligatory)

Cons:
Aesthetic is based more on a stereotype of 1996 fps games than on actual fps games.
Has all the downsides of l4d2 but also without the satisfaction of mowing down waves of zombies. Instead you have to b-hop around them constantly.

Final note: I tried to do a parody of a paid review but the joke kinda fell flat but idk you can't learn if you don't try I guess.

Edit: Added my real opinion and refunded this trash.

Thinking back to when I was in high school, junior year, when I had just moved to a new country and left all of my friends behind, and I had many new stresses in my life, I think of this game. This game let me have fun with my friends back home even with shoddy internet connection, and let off stress mutually mowing down hoards of zombies. When the workshop was introduced, we were able to make the experience a lot more hilarious and kept things interesting. When I think of this game, I think of a social experience, much like pool or board games, where you can just chat and play away. It was the first game I played a drinking game to (take a shot every time you're incapacitated) and it was glorious. Being in college now, I still play this game as I have for the past 5 years. Thinking of this game brings memories that evoke smiles and nostalgia.