Many yogurt males don’t know why they’re special. We have a unique set of tastes that set us apart within the social hierarchy. In many ways, we are the most interesting and attractive type of man. Mysterious, intelligent, calcium-rich, independent, sexual, and predatory. Listen to these affirmations to discover your strengths, understand your mysterious diet, and dominate Greek people.
Let’s begin.
I am a lone wolf. I decide which flavors of yogurt are objectively best. It’s key lime and peach. I eat nothing but yogurt. Greek, Australian, French: all yogurt is simply mine for the taking. I have no friends, and that gives me strength. More time for yogurt. The friends I once had were intimidated by my power and couldn’t handle the idea of me stealing all the yogurt from their fridge. Women find me irresistible. Their loins ache for my precious man-yogurt. But they always end up leaving. They will never understand that they are far less important than my yogurt consumption. Men, on the other hand, are filled with bitter jealousy. Their inferior grain-brain diets attract only bottom feeders. Pathetic alphas and sigmas could never fully commit to the yogurt cuisine. All yogurt on earth belongs to our kind. It is our birthright. Paying for my birthright is unimaginable. I am banned from every grocery store within a hundred miles of my house. The beta store managers simply cannot comprehend that their yogurt is actually mine. I have stolen literally millions of dollars worth of yogurt from supermarket chains, and my powerful exploits have forced three local dairy farms into Chapter 11 bankruptcy. I am the most rare and powerful type of male. I am a warrior; my spoon is my sword, and my yogurt is my shield. Lactose intolerant subhumans begin to feel indigestion and flatulence while standing within fifty yards of me, and if I were ever to touch one of them they would instantly ♥♥♥♥ their pants and die. My bone cells have been studied extensively by top universities, and the calcium from yogurt has made my skeleton 83 times harder than diamonds. I am impervious to all forms of physical and emotional damage. My yogurt obsession is hard for inferior beings to abide by. I am not allowed within 500 feet of an elementary school. I have been caught offering children candy in exchange for their Gogurt, either from the cafeteria or from their lunch box. I was also caught scouting for future yogurt males with powerful binoculars, and my pants just happened to accidentally fall down. I tried explaining this to the judge, but he was clearly a lowlife sigma or beta, and couldn’t understand. I have seventeen refrigerators in my house, all filled to the brim with delicious yogurt. My monthly electrical bill is four figures, but for a yogurt male like me, money is no object. Thanks to the multi-million dollar military contracts to use my bone cells to develop weapons and armor, I can easily afford my yogurt preservation, and bail when I get arrested for stealing or child stalking. I no longer need to defecate or urinate. My powerful body uses yogurt as its primary fuel source, and is so efficient that it leaves zero waste. My semen is literally yogurt, so if I was ever lost in the wilderness, I could suck myself off for nourishment. I am unstoppable. Alphas and betas give me weird looks when I walk down the street, but I am unaffected, like the lion walking through the savanna full of hyenas, if lions ate yogurt and not gazelles. God I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ love yogurt. I have to go, it’s yogurt time.