Michael: All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better... than... here. And none of can say "Boo" because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like [puts on bandanna]. I'm prison Mike! You know why they call me prison Mike?!
Angela: Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?
Michael: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! [employees protest] All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody's ♥♥♥♥♥. Oh, and you. [points to Ryan] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap!
Ryan: Michael, please. [Michael makes kissing noises]
Jim: Where... did you learn all of this?
Michael: Internet.
Jim: So, not prison.
Michael: And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office.
Jim: What'd you do, Prison Mike?
Michael: I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... president's son. And held him for ransom.
Jim: That is... quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.
Michael: And I nevah got caught, neither.
Jim: Well, you're... in... prison, but, mmhmm.
Pam: Prison Mike? What was the food like in prison?
Michael: Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.
Andy: Wow. Prison sounds horrible.
Michael: Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Tanks.
Dwight: Prison Mike. What's the very very worst thing about prison?
Angela: Don't encourage him, Dwight.
Michael: The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they'd come down, and they'd suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!
Karen: Demen-Dementors like in Harry Potter?
Michael: No, not Harry Potter. ... There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who... have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody's ♥♥♥♥♥. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. [turns around, takes bandanna off] So. What do you think? It doesn't sound so great, does it?
Pam: Wow. Thank you. Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. Both of you.
Martin: Yeah, that... wasn't really... at all my experience. There were certain elements of what you performed, I've seen on television. But it didn't remind me of my time in prison.
Michael: Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go. [locks employees in conference room]
Jim: Okay, Michael. Come on. Let us out.
Michael: No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas.