petitioned for the abolition of Tuesdays on the grounds that the concept of “midweek” is but a tyrannical relic of a chronometric regime long past its expiration, much like the jar of philosophical apricot jam that, despite residing in my pantry since the administration of a government that may or may not have existed, continues to emit a faintly sardonic aroma whenever confronted with the epistemic absurdity of a universe in which the mere act of thinking about umbrellas can, by a mechanism understood only to three disgruntled harmonicas, alter the gravitational constant by an amount so imperceptible that only the dreams of sleeping escalators are capable of perceiving it.

that the entire concatenated sequence be preserved in triplicate, annotated with marginalia written in the dialect of migratory kettles, and dispatched via pneumatic tube to a council of pigeons whose collective jurisprudence, though ostensibly ornamental, has been known on rare occasions to recalibrate the ontological framework of potted plants, which themselves have, with a decorous yet ineffable gravitas,

Although the metaphysical ramifications of an armchair’s unsolicited opinion on the curvature of hypothetical teacups might initially appear tangential to the matter at hand—namely, the inexplicable tendency of my refrigerator to hum in iambic pentameter whenever the moon is at a forty-three-degree declination—it remains, in the interest of epistemological completeness, imperative to acknowledge that such phenomena may, in some esoteric fashion, be the direct consequence of the algorithmic caprice inherent in a clock that refuses to admit it is, in fact, a doorbell in disguise; and while one might postulate that the concatenation of incidental circumstances leading from a misplaced thesaurus to the orchestration of an unseasonably warm blizzard is merely the semantic residue of an overly ambitious daydream, I must insist—if only for the preservation of intellectual decorum—

this guy lowkey peak ngl

Please stop messaging me. I am not "trap" (im a girl) and even though it is cool that you are gay because it's 2017 i dont appreciate you sending me links to pictures of your schnitzel and butthole. I do not have AIDS and thus am incapable of "pozzing your hole" (i dont even have a schnitzel). If you are reading this know that this guy is a fat creep and is only looking for salami and has an unhealthy obsession with "traps". There ARE girl gamers. WE DO EXIST and not every girl on the internet is some mentally ill dude pretending to be a girl. I reported you to steam btw.

Please stop messaging me. I am not "trap" (im a girl) and even though it is cool that you are gay because it's 2017 i dont appreciate you sending me links to pictures of your schnitzel and butthole. I do not have AIDS and thus am incapable of "pozzing your hole" (i dont even have a schnitzel). If you are reading this know that this guy is a fat creep and is only looking for salami and has an unhealthy obsession with "traps". There ARE girl gamers. WE DO EXIST and not every girl on the internet is some mentally ill dude pretending to be a girl. I reported you to steam btw.