What The Pug Did I Just Waste My Money On

- An Official Waffle King Review
~Find more here.[lordwaffleking.com]

I'm a pretty attractive person. It's pretty nice, being attractive. I get to talk to the other attractive people, and I never feel like an unwanted burden to society. That can happen to the undesirables sometimes. The ones that are not as attractive.


But being as great as I am does indeed come with some drawbacks. Sometimes, I worry that I push people away. Being beautiful, intelligent, talented, and exceeding in all possible ways can put unwanted pressure on those beneath you. I worry sometimes that those around me might decide to just kill themselves when they realize nothing they can do will ever mean anything when compared to me.


I mean, hey, if I was in your shoes I totally would. If I was an undesirable like you, no doubt would I be staring down the barrel of a shotgun and hoping that I'd drunk enough to not feel a thing.


But that's not the answer, most of the time. The world needs all kinds of people. Beauty can be perceived in a lot of ways. Some people loves huskies, for their striking appearance. Some love pitbulls, for their innate power and presence. Some even love pugs, for their charmingly disfigured appearance.


See where I'm getting at? Just adopt a pug or something already and maybe people would like you more. If you adopt a puppy, you can't be THAT bad. And at least the puppy will never think less of you. They don't know any better.


If you're in the market for pugs though, just make sure you don't accidentally get this pug.


This is probably the worst pug you could get. Worse than the one with distemper that's wheezing in a puddle of its own vomit and diarrhea.


Turbo Pug is a pug-themed endless runner for the PC, available to download on Steam. At first glance, it definitely looks like Game of The Year material. But a darkness resides under its cheerful exterior. Like a distemper-ridden pug's steaming pile of mixed fluids and excrement on your loved one's bed that you covered up with a frilly throw pillow. They may not see it coming as they see it. They might smell something kind of off. But once you're in it, you're in it. And you'll wish you never had.


There's not much to Turbo Pug. It's an endless runner. Yeah, sure, short and simple games like that have a market. I'm not gonna knock it for being simplistic. That's kind of the genre. It's a really cheap game. Both cost and production value. It cost me pocket change. Like I'd bought lunch and threw whatever change they gave me into the trash accidentally. It really won't be missed. I'm not gonna go digging for my money back. It's just a little unfortunate. Gonna put a damper on the next 5 minutes of my life, until I forget about it and move on.


Runners can be decent. They can pass the time in a painless and easy way. Turbo Pug does not do that. Turbo Pug is a grind. An eyesore. I'd rather stare into the sun to pass the time than play this. And that would require me to put on pants and go outside. I'd rather put on pants than play this game. If I had a rating system, that would be the lowest of low ranks, below 0. "IGN says 0/10" "Kotaku says No" "Waffle King says Made Me Put On Pants". That's what this game gets.


Turbo Pug is the worst kind of endless runner. Bland, monotonous, and fails to hold your attention for longer than a minute. Reaction time between obstacles is short and brutal, meaning you're prone to dying awfully quick. Some obstacles even blend in with the surrounding background, and the screen scrolls so quick you'll often die before realizing what you hit. And it's always the same couple obstacles that'll kill you, because there's only so many in the game.


It's randomly generated, and yet only from playing it a handful of times I've already seen repeating areas. Like the game generates the level in chunks, and there aren't enough chunks to go around. Worse than life in gulag. Dark, cold. Chunks always spread too thin. Never enough for everyone. We starve.


You'll be sick of this game as soon as you boot it up. I'm not even kidding. Its stupid looping soundtrack, its stupidly simple gameplay, and its stupid art direction. You wouldn't believe how bad the art is, just from looking at screenshots. It might look good. Pixels are cute, pugs are cute. It's happy and bright, what's not to love?


It's nauseating to play. It hurts to stare at for longer than a minute. Trying to focus your eyes on the endlessly scrolling pixels as they race past you is headache-inducing. It's like no one play-tested this piece of ♥♥♥♥.


Or maybe they did, but they just swept the complaints under the rug, like pug diarrhea. "Oh, Little Billy got eye cancer from playing this game? They're all swollen up and leaking thick, musky fluids everywhere? One of his eyes exploded, you say, and splattered the other children with mushy eye residue? Quick, get the other children to stop playing. This game is ready to ship, and we don't want their precious eyes exploding. We can sell those on the black market. Now get them back in the warehouse, if this game flops we need brand-name knockoff shoes to sell." is probably exactly how that conversation went.


I like pugs. I really do. Pugs are nice. But you can't stick a pug on a stack of child corpses and call it art. It's illegal, and would get you banned from ever driving an ice cream truck ever again.


Some people are husky people, some people are pitbull people, some people are pug people. But just adopting a pug won't make you any less undesirable. You'd still be boring, unpleasant to look at for long periods of time, and stupid. Much like this game. Adding pugs doesn't fix all of your problems. It'll just get people to notice you, maybe throw some spare change your way, and entertain the thought of you for maybe a minute. But only just. After that it's just painful and awkward.