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Playtime past 2 weeks:
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9 of 28 (32%) achievements earned:
Personal Achievements
 

Go Left

Move to the left.
Unlocked 19 May @ 3:25am

Go Right

Move to the right.
Unlocked 19 May @ 3:25am

Fire Inspector

Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
Unlocked 19 May @ 3:40am

Self Defence

Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.
Unlocked 19 May @ 4:47am

Swan Tamer

Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.
Unlocked 19 May @ 4:48am

A Better John

Start taking responsibility for you actions.
Unlocked 19 May @ 5:44am

Always Finishes First

Good at video games. Terrible at sex.
Unlocked 20 May @ 6:51am

Generous Lover

Finish last in a Party Mode game.
Unlocked 19 May @ 4:14am

Autopaedicatio

Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.
Unlocked 19 May @ 4:38am



Most Improved Tapulator

Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.

Early Bird

Swallow every worm.

Sleep No More

Don't let sleeping dongs lie.

Bulking Gear

Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.

Paperwork

Submit your monthly physical report.

Popcorn Buffet

Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.

Clumsy

Die a lot of times in your nightmares.

Master Unlocker

Collect enough milk to fill the tank.

Couch Party

Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.

Spare Wheel

Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.

The Perfect Partner

Marry yourself in Abstinence.

My Precious

Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.

Magnetic Basshole

Win Lights Out in under five seconds.

Safety First

Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.

Till Death Do Us

Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.

Fussy Lover

Save yourself for that special orgy.
+3

3 hidden achievements remaining

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