Gingivitis has been eroding the gum line of this great nation long enough, it must be stopped. For too long this country has been suffering a great moral and oral decay – in spirit and incisors. A country’s future depends on its – on its ability to bite back. We can no longer be a nation indentured. Our very salivation is at stake.

Together we must brace ourselves as we cross over to the bridgework into the 23rd century. Let us bite the bullet and together make America a sea of shining smiles, from sea to shiny sea.

Now friends some people will tell you that this mandatory tooth brushing law is about the secret dental police kicking down your door to make sure you’ve brushed. Friends. It is not.

Some will mention the dental re-education centres or the preventative dental maintenance detention facilities. It’s about none of these things. It is not about the government issued toothpaste containing addictive yet harmless substance. No friends. It is not even about DNA gene splicing to create a race of winged monkeys to act as tooth fairies.

Friends what this mandatory tooth brushing law is really about is strong teeth for strong America. My name is Vermin Supreme. I’m a friendly fascist, a tyrant you can trust and you should let me run your life because I know what is best for you. Yes I’m a politician and I will promise you anything your electoral heart desires because you are my constituents, you are the informed voting public and because I have no intention of keeping any promise that I make.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Remember a vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away. I would like to take this moment to acknowledge my mother who is in the audience here today, please stand up, mother, please stand up, ummm, if you can stand up, please stand up. She’s gonna try to stand up so you can acknowledge her. This is – this is my mother. There you go. And five years ago this April, I gave her a kidney. My challenge to you people, everybody on stage and everybody in the audience, give up a kidney.