It’s hot as hell outside today. Sweat is dripping down my face faster than I can rehydrate that which has been lost and my pup Snooki is pumping out heat faster than our AC can produce cold air. She is definitely on edge. Barking at any sign of movement, standing on her hind legs like a bear ready to rip an intruding hunter a new ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Snooki is a “Shotti,” a Shepherd/ Rottweiler mix. Cute as a button yet not the type of dog you want to be ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ with, despite her name. Unless of course you have a treat lying around, in which case she would happily be your best friend for the duration at which you have treats in your possession. After that run for the hills or at the very least the nearest door, she's a dog not a Velociraptor!

I’m trying to be productive but it’s so damn hard when everything I touch instantly gets coated by my bodily slime. I’m scared at even the thought of touching my computer right now, the last thing I need is a voided warranty on a sweat-damaged laptop that makes a squish squish noise every time a key is pressed. That’d be a fun one trying to explain to the Apple Genius dudeman, especially with my Safari browsing history. Safari is for browsing porn. If you ever find yourself using my computer, please keep your genitalia inside your pants at all time during your safari expedition. Thank you. Have a nice day! Seeing as I have just taken computer use out of the equation for now I guess I won’t be setting up a new set for my show at the Phoenix on Friday. I will either have to wait… Or wing it… I have a tendency to wing things… It makes for a less predictable live show! Or at least that’s what I tell myself… I did come up with a pretty sweet new single at one of my shows so it can’t be all that bad! It’s one of those things that set my electronic shows apart from other producers. That and the kick ass bike show of course.

My train of thought is interrupted as Snooki starts softly gnawing on my leg. She does this when it’s her time to shine as a dog, all over the grass in the backyard. This gives me the opportunity to get off my ass and do some maintenance on my bikes anyways. I highly recommend a daily maintenance check. Once upon a time I didn’t, this equated to a blown out rear suspension when landing a 10ft jump. Let me tell you why this is a bad thing. Well my friend, aside from the shock being shot and my back wheel being mangled, it also meant a broken saddle. With no saddle on a bike my ass only had one place left to go, the seat post. Or should I say the seat post went in my ass? Unfortunately yes. Not as fun as it initially sounds even with the male g-spot being located inside the butt. I promise you that.

I head outside after leashing my beast and telling my non-existent audience of my traumatic story of an unwanted anal intruder. We proceed to walk down the street, it’s even hotter than I had originally expected and then it happened. Plop! I bend over to pick up the nice little dumpling Snooki has left for me but it melts through my fingers into the grass faster than I can scoop. Nonetheless I get what I can of it and head back to the house to initiate work on the bikes.

Brakes working? – Check.
Wheels attached? – Check.
Gears shifting? – Check.
Tires pumped? – Check.
Suspension aired? – Check…

Time to clean! You can’t bring a dirty bike to a race. That would be unsportsmanlike. It would be like bringing a Honda Civic to a car show... I rub sweat off my brow and stagger around my bike with the hose spraying off any excess dirt. I drop the hose as I lose my balance and my vision goes blurry. I blink rapidly as multiple bikini clad women holding soapy sponges come up to my bike and gently rub it down. Not sure if it’s the women or my sparkling clean bike but I just can’t handle it. I crawl on all fours into the house straight for the bathroom where I can be seen vomiting all over myself and along the rim of the bowl as if some form of devious entity was forcing it’s way out of me uncontrollably. Immediately I notice the culprits, embedded into my vomit lay small chunks of corn. Why is there always ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ corn… Thud.

The land of dreams welcomes me with open arms. Teleporting me from our world to theirs is just that easy. This is the first time I have reached their foreign lands by blacking out but lo and behold, my brain ceases to disappoint as I am still directed to the same dream world over and over again. Of course the dream isn’t always exactly the same or anything like that yet the premise usually doesn’t stray from the main storyline. In today’s case I find myself back in what can only be described as a vibrantly coloured, pixelated, lushly flora inhabited Nintendo land where I am surrounded by short dark figures. I can’t see their aesthetics over a definitive green glow that illuminates their bodies; in fact it’s a similar glow the rest of this world tends to posses. No words are spoken the entire examination, nothing moves or gestures to me, just a fixated stare accompanied with a deathly silence and then out of nothingness poof! All hell breaks loose.

I find myself running around this strange planet with these small hooded creatures that if I didn’t know any better were Ewoks or Gnomes but I still have no confirmation as my brain keeps their identities from me. Running and leaping over obstacles I charge through the battlefield that now looks like a post-apocalyptic version of what I had previously described. This location has buildings too, not human ones but definitely for a living species, presumably the ones currently following me into battle. Stealthily we move from building to building, one at a time, cautiously to ensure we don’t alert our enemy. Red and green beams of light are seen flying over head in every direction, it looks like a light show that I would set up for one of my live performances but something tells me that these are more than just lights. Lifeless bodies litter the ground in all directions telling a story of an ongoing war that is about to hit its climax, a climax that I was sure to be a part of. Moving faster now but still stealthily we enter the back of a camp, which is occupied by hundreds of bio-mechanical looking bad asses. Certainly nothing I would want to engage in combat with. They are definitely a military force to be reckoned with. One of their soldiers holds more weapons then my entire army. Fortunately for me, this is where I usually wake up so I never do actually get my ass handed to me. Today’s case was no different. Actually, pause. That’s a lie. Today is different. I am woken up by the soft sprinkles of urine splashing off the side of the toilet seat as my bestest buddy Jesse fires his piss cannon directly above me.

He warmly greets me. No pun intended. “Yo Chris! You better wake up man. It’s almost 5:30pm and you got a race to attend to. The Jabberwocky ain’t gunna race itself! Kent and Shane are loading it into the car now. As for your current situation… Uhh, I’m not gunna ask. Take a shower dude.” He zips up, flushes, and heads out the bathroom door.

End of Chapter I.