I hate myself, I hate my disgusting flat chested body, I hate how I almost never pass day
to day - while cis women can pass without makeup and figure hugging clothing -, and
most of all, I hate how unfunctional my genitals are; they are nothing like a cis woman's
vagina, and even with vaginoplasty, they NEVER will be an acceptable analogue.
How do I cope with this you ask? Well, I spend my days watching yuri anime. That way, I
can know what I'm missing out on, and what life is supposed to be. It's very idealistic and
narrow, sure, I'll give you that; but, even if I'm a generic stereotypical female, it's better
than being a hollow husk of whatever the ♥♥♥♥ I'm supposed to be.
I always stare at their ample-breasted, curvy, perfectly proportioned bodies, and their
functional genitala; and I wonder why I couldn't be born that way, why can't I just have a
good female body? I also look longingly while they're in their lover's embrace, wondering
how the ♥♥♥♥ I ended up with a more masculine than me trans girlfriend, instead of with a
cis female. Cis females never give me the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ time of day, they are either not into me
because they don't see me as a woman, they are completely androphilic, or straight up
taken. To be honest, dating a partner more masculine than me is ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ taxing, half the
time, my brain sees them as a guy, and it's psychologically taking due to my history of
sexual assault, abuse... and above all else... me being a lesbian.
I despise all these lesbians in healthy relationships, they managed to be born happy, and
they have the NERVE to rear their ugly heads and complain how their life sucks because
their dad disowned them. Sweetie, I lost 90% of my friends coming out, and I have a
mostly transphobic family, I also barely even get to see my little sister; and all I have to
show for it is a body that looks barely different than me pre-transition. You have no idea
how much I've cut myself, how many times I've wanted to straight up ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ die, how
many times I actually wanted to die, how many times I've held a knife near my crotch and
considered hacking it off, how many times I've cried myself to sleep wishing that my
family would actually accept me as female, and how many ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ times that I wished I
could've just been a normal girl, in a normal lesbian relationship.
THAT is why I watch yuri anime so ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ much. It gives me what I don't have, it fills that
hole in my heart, plasters over the void.
THAT'S IF I even get to watch a full episode. I have ADHD, I can barely sit through one
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ episode. My time is mostly spent crying while looking at hentai pics, with the only
friend I can trust: my wand vibrator, steadily shaking my crotch.
You have no ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ idea of my sense of longing, how much I would slaughter every
friend I've ever had just to be a girl. You don't ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ know my pain. No one does,
especially not a neurotypical cishet who hasn't so much of an ounce of dysmorphia. I'm
sick of these cis people telling me I have it easy, and trying to force me into the wrong
bathroom on a daily basis.
That's all I've got to say.