It goes without saying that the proper way to install a new roll of toilet paper is with the flap hanging overhand . This facilitates easy grasping and accurate delivery of the exact number of individual sheets desired. Only idiots install a roll underhand, so the flap is touching the wall. Not only does it impede measured sheet access, it essentially forces you to touch an unsanitary surface—the wall. Walls are basically vertical petri dishes. If you carried an electron microscope everywhere you went (and you should), the things you'd see would make your pubes uncurl. In any event, it is considered charitable behaviour to check each of the washrooms in each of your friends' houses regularly to ensure that this rule is being observed. If a roll is installed incorrectly, by all means switch it around . But don't touch anything else in the bathroom. You don't know when the last time it was cleaned. Just change the roll and leave immediately.

But for the love of God, never, ever, under any circumstances should you ever enter a public washroom. Even if you really just want to check on the toilet paper rolls. There isn't enough antibacterial soap in the world to purge you of the microbial germs that live in the air of those cesspits. If, God forbid, you should find yourself at a Wal-Mart, in receipt of an urgent call from Number Two and public toilet use is your only option for avoiding a self-initiated raw sewage leak, then do this: Place 12-18 layers of bathroom tissue in overlapping lengths over all sections where buttock-to-seat proximity is imminent. Germs are able to penetrate one layer of single-ply tissue per second , so prepare to drop your payload and then take off again immediately. Always flush public toilets with your foot and use a baseball-sized wad of tissue to open the stall door. Also, use your foot to press the soap dispenser handle that you know has been touched by thousands of contaminated hands and never cleaned since the date of installation . Catch the soap mid-air on the way down. And never, under any circumstances should you touch the restroom door handle on the way out. Use your foot, use another huge wad of paper, or charge out of the open door when the next sap comes stumbling in.

Hand washing: 78.9% of soap bars contain unhealthy levels of bacteria and other organisms. To properly wash your hands, you must start out with a clean bar of soap . Take this bar of soap and wash the faucet knobs to properly clean them, and then spray them with alcohol after they have been carefully rinsed exactly three times with water. Now the knobs are clean but the soap is dirty . Turn on the faucets before they become befouled by ambient bacteria. Throw out the soap , but only after switching it between your hands exactly twenty-three times. Using a pair of pliers, open the plastic wrap and box of a new antibacterial soap . Double check that the faucet is still running. Now with this bar of clean soap, wash your hands, then wash the pliers again... you will need another bar of soap to wash the bar of soap that you just used. After 30 seconds the bar of soap you were using on your hands is now soiled , but it can be washed off. After washing bar number one, place bar number two on a dish so it can be used again. Continue washing hands. Now the bar of soap number one is soiled. You must dispose of it, but first you must switch it between your hands exactly twenty three times. Now your hands have been soiled by the soap. Luckily, you can wash your hands with soap bar number two, but soap bar number two must be washed by soap bar number three .