I tried posting this on other sites, but my accounts keep getting wiped. Other critics who were there? They’re calling it “the best video game movie ever made.”

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO REMEMBERS.

DO NOT WATCH THIS ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ MOVIE.

DO NOT TAKE YOUR KIDS TO THE NEW MINECRAFT MOVIE.

I got up 7 hours later, yet it didn’t feel like I went to sleep, my whole bed was drenched with sweat, I looked across my room to see my PC was started up with Minecraft, the game and all my files were corrupted, strange structures I don’t recall building appeared, giant black blocks made from obsidian, built like murals surrounding craters in the world. What the ♥♥♥♥ was going on, did I do this in my sleep? As I got undressed I emptied my pockets, dropping my notepad I was going to use to write comments on the film. It was filled with uninterpretable letters and scribbles of cubes, and 5 star reviews of the movie, dozens of different ways of calling it the best film of the century - THEY NEARLY GOT ME TOO.

This followed by an earbursting, theatre shaking “Wet Hands” as the credit scrolled faster than anything humanly possible to read. I ran out of there. I don’t know how I got home but I’m pretty sure I went screaming through some red lights. I tore the Minecraft posters off my wall. My head hit my pillow in angst and I had terrible hallucinations, vivid visions of .. what appeared to be a violent storm, somewhere in space in a distant planet. Saturns Hexagonal Storm, one of the most bizarre anomalies in our solar system started bursting through my head. I can hear screams. I’m shown … a giant cube… like the one they worship in Mecha that people walk around endlessly…

I gasped for air and looked around. No one reacted. I must’ve held my breath for that entire minute.

Then came the plot twist of the movie - I missed half the plot because it was all seemingly nonsense, but as the camera zoomed in on Steve, he turned around, closing in on his grin, it was revealed - that Jack Black was never Steve… He was Herobrine THE ENTIRE TIME. His pupils shrank and disappeared, his teethy smile opened up, his jaw drooped into a soulless glare, an empty void sucking you in. The screen cut to black once more. And for a solid 10 seconds, the entire theater was dead silent yet again. Dread kicked in with sensory deprivation.

And then, as the theatre lights turned back on signifying the end of the movie - everyone started clapping.

Not normal clapping. It was in unison, perfectly synchronized.

When it came back to life it lit the theatre with a red screen, cancelling out the colour of the theatres red seats. What I assumed at first was some sort of interval was an unexplainable gif of Jack Black just laughing in a deafening silence back and forth in an uncanny manner, his red face looked as if it was about to morph into something else. This thing played for about a minute. I realised this was clearly a scene from the movie, as it played I thought someone was about to walk in and fix this broken film, apologising for the mess and replaying it from the start. But then the messages started to appear on the screen, things like “DEAR MANKIND - WE TRIED - WE’RE SO SORRY” my heart began pounding, gripping to my popcorn bucket which I still hadn’t begun eating.

When the final message vanished the colour fixed itself and the movie continued as if nothing happened with Jack Black laughing, closing the loop.

A few moments of what felt like lost time had gone by and I couldn’t even focus on whatever was going on in the story, it’s like I was there one minute, then somewhere the next… as this happened the screen shifted from its already distorted colour pallet to an almost completely blacked out theatre. What looked like tracking issues from an old VHS tape when those lines would flicker up and down on the screen. The theatre was as dark as it was silent, the only thing I remember hearing was the sound of me breathing through my nose. And then, the movie began to play again about 12 seconds later, but again something wasn’t right.