Dear Gaben, I wrote you but you still ain't respondin'
I left my Skype, my email
And my IRC chan' at the bottom
I sent two IM's back in 08'
But I ain't gonna hate'
It probably was my cut-rate
Mail server, so I guess it's straight

Sometimes I punch-in addresses
Too quickly when I type 'em
But anyways ♥♥♥♥ it
What's been up man, how's your family?
My girlfriend's pregnant too
I'm bout to be a daddy
If I have a daughter, guess what I'm a call her?
I'm a name her Alyx

I read about your weight problem dude, I'm sorry
I had a friend threw fits too when a
drive-thru wouldn't serve em'
I know you probably hear this everyday
But I'm a Valve fanatic
I can barely wait for Ep. 3, man, I'm so ecstatic

I got a room full a' TF hats
And sentry schematics
I like the ♥♥♥♥ you did with DOTA too
That ♥♥♥♥ was phat
Anyways I hope you get this, Gabe
Hit me back, just to chat
Truly yours, just from me
This is /v/


Dear Gabe, you still ain't PM'd or mailed
I hope you find a way, I ain't mad
I just think it's ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up that Ep. 3's delayed
If you didn't want to talk to me
Outside Valve HQ, you didn't have to
But you could've signed my copy of HL2
That's my favorite game man

It's already 6 years old
We been waiting so long for closure
Now 4 years and you still say "No"
That's pretty ♥♥♥♥♥♥ man
You run the ♥♥♥♥♥♥' comp'ny
I Just wanna see whats up with Gordon man
and Alyx, G, and Barney

I ain't that mad though I just don't like bein' lied to
Remember when we met at E3
You said if I Skyped you, you would Skype back
See I'm just like you in a way
I never liked consoles, neither
and love FPS plus im a compulsive eater

I can relate to what you're doin' with your games
So when I have a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ day
I drift away and I just play
Cause I hate these new ♥♥♥♥ games
Wish they could all be erased
I even got a sticker
Of a headcrab on my case

Sometimes I just crowbar only
And run through City 17
It's like Adrenaline
The fun is such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is great
And I respect you 'cause you're Gaben
My waifu's jealous
'Cause I talk about you 24/7

But she don't know you like
I know you Gabe, its not the same
She could never know what it's like
For people like us when we game
You've gotta Skype me man
I'm the biggest fan you'll ever see
Sincerely yours, /v/
P.S. Where's episode three?


DEAR MISTER, I'M TOO FAT TO FINISH OUR FLAGSHIP GAME
THIS'LL BE THE LAST TIME YOU'LL EVER HEAR ME EXCLAIM
IT'S BEEN SIX YEARS AND STILL NO CLOSURE?
I'M NOT GONNA BE COOL.
I KNOW YOU'VE HAD PLENTY OF TIME.
PORTAL AND LEFT 4 DEAD BOTH HAD A SEQUEL.

SO THIS IS MY HATEMAIL I'M SENDING YOU
I HOPE YOU READ IT
I'M PLAYIN TF2 RIGHT NOW
WALLHACKING ON A VAC SERVER.
HEY GABE, I JUST TURNED ON MY AIMBOT
YA DARE ME TO SHOTTY?

YOU KNOW THAT SONG IN THE FRAG VIDS
'AND THE FLOOR AND THE BODIES'
I THINK ITS BY SOME BAND WHOSE NAME
IS ABOUT SOME POOLS AND SOME DROWNING?
AND THE VID WAS GOOD, SO YOU WATCH IT ALL
BUT THE SONG KINDA LEAVES YOU FROWNING

THAT'S KINDA HOW THIS IS
BECAUSE I THOUGHT SOMETHING HAD TO GIVE
NOW IT'S TOO LATE
I'VE PLAYED A THOUSAND HOURS NOW, IM DROWSY

AND ALL I WANTED WAS A LOUSY LETTER OR A MAIL
I HOPE YOU KNOW
I TOLD EVERYONE YOU'RE SO FAT YOU BREAK THE SCALE
I LOVED YOU GABE, WE COULD'VE GAMED TOGETHER
THINK ABOUT IT, YOU RUINED IT NOW

I HOPE YOU CAN'T SLEEP AND YOU DREAM ABOUT IT
AND WHEN YOU DREAM, I HOPE YOU CAN'T SLEEP
AND YOU SCREAM ABOUT IT
I HOPE YOUR CONSCIENCE EATS AT YOU
AND YOU NEVER FINISH EP. 3

SEE GABE, "SHUT UP ♥♥♥♥♥,
I'M TRYING TO TALK"
HEY GABE, THAT'S SOME NEWBIE SCREAMIN IN THE PUB
BUT I DIDN'T TAKE MY TIME, I JUST KNIFED HIS BACK
SEE I AIN'T LIKE YOU
'CAUSE IF I DO SOMETHING I DO IT QUICK
LIKE YOU DID WITH EP.'S 1 & 2

WELL, I GOTTA GO
I'M BOUT TO CAP THE FLAG NOW
OH ♥♥♥♥! I'M BANNED!
HOW THE ♥♥♥♥ DID THE ADMIN FIND OUT?


Dear /v/, I meant to write you sooner
But I've just been busy
Got some startup ventures with DOTA
And Steam for the PS3
Look I'm really flattered
You would call your daughter that
And here's a coupon for TF2
It'll get you some cool starter hats

I'm sorry I didn't see you at the offices
Or outside the HQ
Don't think I did that ♥♥♥♥ on purpose
Just to diss you
And what's this ♥♥♥♥ you said about
You like to melee only HL2?
I say that stuff just joking, friend
C'mon, how ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up is you?

You got some issues /v/,
I think you need some help, man
To help your ass from clogging up the forums
Over there at 4chan
And what's this ♥♥♥♥ about Episode
Three taking too long?
Truth is we just take our time
so we won't get the story wrong.

I really think you and your waifu
Need each other
Or maybe you just need to treat her better
I hope you get to read this letter
I just hope it read this ♥♥♥♥ today
Before you go insane
I think that you'll be doin' just okay
If you'd chill out a bit

I'm glad I inspire you
But /v/, why are you so mad?
Try to understand
That I'm trying to finish Episode 3
I just don't want you to do some crazy ♥♥♥♥
I seen this one ♥♥♥♥ on a forum
A couple days ago that made me sick

Some dude was drunk and was hacking in a pub
And had the server hella mad
And he was screaming over voice
And the admin just had him banned
But I don't recall his steamID?
Come to think about it
His name was, it was /v/... Damn...