Recent reviews by Jartor

Crying and humping the floor... rubbing the floor... ugggghhhhh... *moans*... UGGGGHHHHH!!! *wet noises, slapping, like the sound of feet running through a meadow of deli sliced chicken breast*

I met Lilly at the age of 61, six months, 29 days. She had golden hair, like fresh wheat, her majesty was like something out of a dream, and her eyes were blue like sapphires. When I met her she was cold, she was professional, and she was--

SHE IS NOT REAL.

NO!!!! I LOVE HER!!! Reality sets in, I'm stroking my sht rn... fr rn... but reality will not let me nut. GUH! Let me pretend! Oh God... Let me pretend just a little longer! No, the voices say. No. Take a shower, this is not healthy, you've been at this for fourteen hours, you degenerate. NO!!!!! I WON'T LISTEN!

But the voices... they speak louder...

SHE IS NOT REAL.

I squeeze harder, stroke faster, there is fire in my loins, it hurts!!! And yet I cannot bust?!?!?!? Please!!! LET ME.... EEEEYUUUUHHHH!!! NOOOOO-O-O-O-O (like an echo noise) O-O-O-O (cuz im crying rn fr rn) O-O-O-O... WAAAAAH!!!! MOOMMMMYYY!!! MILKY!!!!! BLIND MOMY MILKY!!! UAWWWWAAUAUAUAUAUA (crying noises fr rn)... UAWAAAAAWAUAUAUAAUAUAU... (fr ong)...

LILLY!!! LILLY!!!!!!!!

GUHHHHHH!!! INEEDHER

I can't get off blind girl tinder... she is real... and I will find her...

Three anti-psychotics later:

It's a well written game made be a passionate developer, the setting is a bit curious but nothing overwhelming so, the art fidelity is respectable - rather quite high. Clearly made with passion, clearly free to play, I have respected this developer for what feels like a decade and continue to. Good job. Fr rn. I really am stroking rn tho. Ong rn.

You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the socialist...

You are my enemy

It's okay, it's by no means a bad game, but I feel the need to express the barebones state of the game. Again, it isn't bad, I'd even say it has potential to become one of the better city builders.

I've (almost) full cleared the game in less than 10 hours of playtime (some of it offline) - that's how little content there is. Being able to shape custom plots and stuff, the building system, all of it is awesome, but right now you are on an extremely small map and there aren't other settlements, just armies. Probably 95% of what I would expect the game to be is currently 'WIP', it doesn't exist yet. The scenarios are extremely bare, one objective, no real dynamic experience, everything is linear, the most complex part of the current game is deciding how you'll progress early game. Everything else comes to the same end and I can't see any variability (or replayability) in that.

Don't invest in this if you are expecting any sort of full game / playthrough - I'll express again that the game is good and playable - but there is no content, and it's not worth the launch price. I'll keep an eye on this long term, obviously, I really hope it does come to the point I want it to, and while I'm not necessarily disappointed, it's not worth $29.99 USD right now. And it might not be for another year, two, or even three.

I have high hopes, but I'm marking it as a negative review for now for visibility and a departure from what I believe a game like this to be worth.

As for the POSITIVES:

-Great building system to look forward to, removing a lot of the really annoying parts of city builders, your citizens actually handle most problems themselves via the market. Lack of micro is a breath of fresh air.

-Combat is (or will be) fairly dynamic, as troops rely on supplies for their quality (I think??) and you can progress them in a certain fashion.

-Families handle the market, meaning - for example - the 'wives' of your workers (everything is 'family' rather than 'settler', help sell their goods to provide for housing needs. Making this POTENTIALLY better than games like banished.

Greetings, I'll keep this short.

I am you from the future of 2041, and I come with a warning. Pocketpair did it, they actually did it, they managed to create the greatest gaming experience ever known or ever to be known. Palworld was the last video game. They managed to give me the sly smile of Broncherry and the seductive eyes of Lunaris, the wild hijinks of Lovander. We were all so happy back then, we had it all, but it didn't last forever...

Once we were on the cusp of true greatness, of transcendence, and we almost had it. We were so close, but the globalists simply couldn't allow our perfection to hit that terminal point of achievement. They took everything from me, they will take everything from you.

The world is grim and dark. The governments of the world have turned against us. They have made intercourse with Pals illegal. Yes... I told you it was dark, they have banned pals**xuality and brutally hunt pal-human hybrids in the street. Seventeen of my children have thus far perished in the fires of total war.

But I can always make more, more children, more children with my pals. We are those few fight the good fight. We are those few who would rather stand inside a Lunaris than live on their knees. I will never stop breeding my pals. I will never stop creating twisted mutant husks bereft of a human soul that mewl their half heard pleadings of release from the pain. One day I will get it right, and I will become God.

If you are reading this, Grand Chancellor Tingle Willingham, know that for all your attempts you will never find me, for I am the beast in the jungle of your very own mind. DON'T EVER STOP BREEDING YOUR PALS! DON'T LISTEN TO THE MEDIA, BIG GOVERNMENT WANTS US ALL TO ONLY HAVE HUMAN SPAWN. I WILL NEVER STOP HAVING SEX WITH PALS!!!

(It's well worth 29.99 - great dev track record - I am 茅ヶ崎のわんぱくチキン)

I'll give this a positive review since overall it was fun, and then the real question, is it worth $13 smackeroos? Probably, probably not actually if you weigh opportunity cost and all that.

The new content is everything I've been waiting for to finally make this game more than a half-done Rimworld clone. And no disrespect to indie devs whatever, it felt disappointing overall when one considers it an expansion.

First of all the expansion plays like a mod, and that's not an insult but an observation. This whole thing as I'm sure you've observed adds robots and associated tech to the game. It adds more stories to buildings (up to 4) so you can build lookout and tower posts, or just not have your base become a ridiculous sprawl because microing everything is irritating.

Here are some quick observations because I'm already tired of writing this.

I want to support this dev, the only thing preventing Rimworld from becoming a 5000 hour game for me are the visuals, I'm aware that it's a vapid observation to make but it is what it is.

It plays like a mod. This is both a positive and a negative. It adds a lot of cool stuff like lightsabers, and especially logi droids (like rimworld drone mod exactly) that improve everything about the game. Unfortunately with what they added, the rest of the game has not caught up. First of all this expansion is extremely overpowered. Robots break down into functionally infinite scrap, carbon, and other components that are very rare / late game stuff. Like CPU, AI cores, and more power cells than you could ever need.

And with that being said, it causes a lot of issues. You no longer have to spend lategame making carbon or any components at all really unless you're going hard. But that's not a good thing. First of all, the whole 'invasion' / 'horde night' mechanic (I play on Hard - Jason moon) is predicated on your collective colony wealth (ostensibly - either that or research progression it's hard to say). After your first horde you will be so rich the next one will be absolutely massive and possibly enough to ruin your base, at least the next could. As your wealth expands from picking up what they drop, everything gets harder in turn. The robots you fight are pretty easily resolved with a wall maze (tower defense again) and pulse rifles that stun them like anything else.

But if you can't get them into that spot things go bad quick. I was really happy they added humanoid opponents / a bandit equivalent as fighting infinite bugs is irritating. However, the robots you fight are insanely overpowered. Not difficult to kill, they have low HP (only 50 for the regulars), but they all have laser pikes, laser swords, and guns. Pulse rifles, laser pistols, and 'carbon crossbows' which are new and break down into synthetic cloth and carbon (two rare materials). They will absolutely annihilate you and there's very little opportunity to defend against them if they don't land in the right place / they get a peek over your walls.

It's doable for sure, but the balance is a problem because the robots are very, very capable of destroying your turrets very quickly. The robots YOU can build die instantly and are functionally worthless against the Consortium, and they are too expensive to really justify building. Every time they die, also, you have to manually re-equip them which is a pain in the butt. Even with the new Carbon 2.0 armor your survivors will get absolutely dabbed on by the 40 crossbow wielding machines coming after your anus.

Basically all other tech has fallen behind and isn't totally useful against them. Again, it plays like a mod, but there are lots of mods out there that there are things in that the game really needed first. Naturally heavy mechs, like always, resolve all issues and make the game easy as anything. So it's not impossible, again, I did beat it on my first go around by save scumming.

That we got this, all good changes for the most part minus the balance, instead of a world map, expanded travel functions, or elevated 'tower turrets' that can shoot over walls is a little disappointing. I think once Project X gets updated it'll resolve most of my complaints though.

Anyway, here's a TL;DR

Pros -
-Bots resolve all logi issues so you basically don't need to use your survivors to haul or scrap anything anymore, drones do it all for you at 'max efficiency' which I assume a level 10 skill equivalent. This speeds the whole game up considerably.
-The protagonist, Hope the AI, is cool (works all day no sleep as robots do, which is VERY nice). The story is cool and the aesthetics are great, managing her needs in the scenario wasn't hard at all.
-Bots only need power, no food or needs besides, so managing them is not that bad, although you do need to reequip soldier drones and they are so weak I also don't feel like it justifies their existence. Just build long mazes, etc.
-multiple level structures are so nice and you can finally condense your whole faction into one tower. The AI handles elevation well too, haven't had any problems at all, they even carry around their own ladders so they can get around pathing issues.

Cons
-midgame+ melee is basically worthless now, it's a waste of time despite the new melee weapon. The new crossbow hits really hard and I don't see any point in carrying a melee offhand on any colonist anymore. Once mods get updated (Project X for the portable shield) that might improve.
-Tower defense is still on the menu, but you need more turrets now because in like a 1v2 turrets lose to robots. There are mobile turrets now though which don't do too bad and are easier to manage (since they move and all).
-Still no Blueprint system / easier building tools
-new enemies are a bit too imbalanced, they are very strong which is good, but I also don't like seeing my survivors one tapped at range. And I mean they instantly die. This is good and bad at the same time, I'm not sure how one would fix that given the 3D environment vs. Rimworld.
-It really didn't add all that much if I'm being honest. It's still worth the money to me, but it needs to be said that it didn't add much, just one scenario and a few pieces of tech.
-Survivor combat speed feels even slower now, although this can be fixed via modding. Sometimes you peek a corner and the robots just start blasting, and even with the best armor in the game you will die of bleed. The danger is cool, being able to just have a forcefield compound that couldn't be touched is no longer a thing which I like.

I'd give this an 8/10 in context to the game, an objective improvement but it needs rebalanced and tweaked, and we need more content. I do recommend it though, if you already liked the game you'll like the expansion too.

I copulated with a horror of the void, and personally, even in the instance that said horror of the inky abyss would summarily bite my head off and devour me flesh and blood, I would still do it. I am so incredibly horny it has ceased to be funny, I have a problem, I am chafed, I literally cannot stop stroking. I have been doing this every day for the last 4 years, I love you Arushalae, I do not care if you are a horror of the inky blackness.

I want to lick your wings, I want to feel your satin smooth hands around my neck... Please... God... If there is a God... Make her real.

MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL MAKE HER REAL

Mount and Blade Planetside

Mixed reviews come from people who are wrong, IE: Not me

Silver rank #1 worldwide gamer here (famous irl and ingame, your majesty)

-Cheaters are not that common, people are complaining about lag which does happen (it's not that bad + skill issue). TTK is pretty quick and one class (Cleric) has a speed boost, I have not yet encountered an obvious cheater. Not even one. I'm sure they exist, because they exist in all steam games, but c'mon son.

-"Tray icons exist anticheat phishing us!" No, they don't. Who came up with that in the first place? I've run extensive backend tests and don't see anything. Yeah, the optimization could be improved, but if you have a decent PC (20 series or better GFX card, you'll be fine)

-Game is good, gamemodes could be expanded and it's a moba, some balancing issues, I don't care. It's day 1 and right now every single archetype is useful. I main Cleric, if that explains anything, and it should.

-The game is not "P2W", that argument doesn't even make sense, it has some irritating RNG mechanics for gear but you get, from the jump, 250 valor character sets that are fine and competitive. You cannot buy gear, only EXP + drop rate boosts. Yes, this is irritating, but it is not P2W to pay ~2 dollars for +6% RNG benefits match to match. You cannot buy loot boxes or anything even remotely similar to that ideal, you cannot BUY GEAR directly whatsoever.

My biggest complaint would be no chat / no VOIP, you can't communicate with your team basically at all. Otherwise this is a perfectly fun F2P game. I am a little disappointed it's F2P, but it is what it is, even if you don't pay it's still a good Neo-MOBA style MMOesque battleground game. Just try it, one match, half of these reviews are from irl NPC weirdos with absolutely no clue

It really confuses me why the community for this game is so small

This is everything EverQuest was supposed to be, and arguably the only actual mmoRPG in the last decade+

Really hoping the devs stick with this one, as it stands there is already hundreds if not thousands of hours of content in this game

Highly recommended if you enjoy classic MMO/RPGs in general

I woke up this morning, thinking today would be a normal day. And honestly, it was. I got out of my lil gamer bed, hopped into my gamer chair, put on my gamer glasses and gamer headset.

Oh? What's this I see? A discord notification from my old pal Bert. He knows I've been bored, desperately looking for a new game. He tells me about this game, and here's how he describes it:

-It's Pokemon in a fantasy universe!
-You capture monsters and take them to your farm
-It's free

Technically, he was not wrong. I'm not much of a tutorial scroller, so I blitzed through the character creation. I have absolutely no idea what a f*ta is, I select the default female, fly through some quest text, and wander around the game. I said okay, this tutorial NPC is a bit over-sexualized, but whatever. At this point, I had no idea what I'm in for.

I wander off into the forests and walk for several minutes enjoying the scenery and wondering what exactly I'm supposed to do. Eventually, I see a glowing object floating in the sky, naturally I run towards it as I press random buttons trying to figure out how to 'capture fantasy pokemon'.

Well, folks. I'll be honest, they had us in the first half. A dragon with a throbbing erection appears out of absolute nowhere and begins to chase me down. All I can see if his shaft wobbling in the win as he gains on me like a t-rex. Without warning, I am surrounded by human-dragon hybrids that all have fat shafts regardless of their gender.

As if the game wanted me to hate myself even more, as I am shaking and panting - so close to throwing my limp body over the cliffs and into the sweat release of death - I am pounced upon by the dragon.

If you're here, you probably know what happened. I am incredibly disappointed in my brother Bert and have lost all trust in my fellow man. Furthermore, I have been absolutely DEMOLISHING my schmeat for the last the hours as a catgirl with an impressive bosom comPLETELY blows my back out.

I am chafed beyond belief, and I cannot stop, all I know know is that I must spread my seed