3:30 PM
I think I’m going to take a shower. Saying “take a shower” sounds a lot more active than what actually goes on. Really, I just sit down in the shower and let the water hit me. I’m not sure if my heart is still beating. If anyone I know were to see this scene, they would probably feel obligated to call my parents and convince them to pull the plug on my life. At this moment, I’m making Terry Shiavo look like Usain Bolt. After 45 minutes of showering, I get out. Hmm, looks like I forgot to wash my hair. ♥♥♥♥.

4:45 PM
I turn the lights on.

4:50 PM
I write a thank you letter to my bed for its valiant effort today. I write another one to Canada Dry because its seltzer helped me greatly when I needed it most. I write two “♥♥♥♥ you” letters to God. The first one is a ♥♥♥♥ you for his role in creating life. The second one just reinforces the various points made the first time.

4:55 PM
I drink half a beer, throw up immediately, finish the beer and start Google searching “How to tie a noose” and “Tallest buildings in Des Moines and their respective suicide success rates.” I then make a list of things that make me feel happy and why they don’t have the same effect anymore.

5:00 PM
I opt out of suicide.