I can't turn around but will you listen?

I want time to stop. I want this simulation to end. I ask for my misery to cease. I stand here, disheveled, while the world keeps moving and time keeps ticking. I keep reminiscing on the older times, the "better" times. I can barely remember my childhood. My only good memories are the ones from when I was a kid. I can't see the future me doing anything productive. I don't feel happiness nor pleasure. I know I play video games to distract myself. I sleep to forget the days passing. I desire nothing more than to receive unconditional love from someone while at the same time I want to be left alone to drown in my woes. I am just a husk, that will continue to exist. I will keep waiting for this purgatory to be over. I wish I could end it all. I wish religion was tied to truth and not faith. I want my soul back. I want my life essence to be rejuvenated. I want to believe humans are good, but I know I will never trust anyone ever again. I need change. Drastic change will be the only thing to get my feet moving. A perilous environment that will force my head to turn around and focus on the times to come. While I can't look onward, I desperately seek answers that will vindicate or exonerate these thoughts and feelings. Will I ever be saved from this "parasitic" mindset? Some may point to stimulants, others will point to depressants. I refuse both but wanting either. Anything to stop my thoughts, anything to stop this complacency, because no matter how I feel, I must truly be content with everything that I am since I will do nothing to actually change anything. This is where I truly hate myself. I am the lowest of the low. I hate humanity. I hate the selfishness of society. I hate the righteous facade our leaders put on everyday. I hate myself. I HATE myself. I HATE MYSELF! No matter how I say it, nothing will change. I will grow old, looking at the past and how great it was, wishing for the day I never wake up. I'm scared for that day even though I anticipate it. What happens when we die? Do WE get to choose salvation or damnation or does something choose for us? What if it is just lights out? If so, then what's the point of living? Am I a madman? A sick ♥♥♥♥, who is actually a jealous, loathsome, selfish person? Probably. Who am I to decide? My case isn't a great one, but at least I'm not a murderer or a rapist. Shouldn't I get bonus points for that at least? No, you're right, I don't deserve anything, since I am just scum. I'm living with no purpose or goals. I don't belong here nor anywhere.