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89 of 89 (100%) achievements earned:
Personal Achievements
 

R. Kelly's Protege

Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
Unlocked 21 Aug, 2017 @ 5:43am

Duck Dynasty

Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
Unlocked 17 Jul, 2018 @ 5:04am

Here, Wilfred

Gained your first dog helper.
Unlocked 18 Jul, 2018 @ 1:01pm

Chapelle's Show

Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 1:25am

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa

Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
Unlocked 18 Jul, 2018 @ 11:11am

Michonne ain't got nothin' on me

Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 11:17am

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Survived Monday.
Unlocked 17 Jul, 2018 @ 5:11am

C U Next Tuesday

Survived Tuesday.
Unlocked 18 Jul, 2018 @ 12:38pm

OMG, NEW MODERN FAMILY TONIGHT!

Survived Wednesday.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 1:33am

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays

Survived Thursday.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 2:44am

Workin' for the Weekend

Survived Friday.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 4:08am

Screw Bill Lumbergh!

Survived Saturday.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 11:46am

I swear, I thought it was a home fill

Exploded a nuclear bomb.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 2:03pm

Cesar Millan is Very Happy

Mauled 30 people with your dog.
Unlocked 21 Jul, 2018 @ 5:14am

OMG, WE'RE HAVING A FIRE...sale

Roasted 30 people with fire.
Unlocked 17 Jul, 2018 @ 5:14am

Rebecca Black's Nightmare

Totaled 30 cars.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 4:21am

Hello, Newman

Kicked 30 dogs.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 1:39pm

Darth Maul'd!

Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 2:22am

Reddit would be proud.

Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 12:52pm

Pussy on a Pedestal

Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
Unlocked 21 Jul, 2018 @ 1:59am

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace

Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 1:26am

Uncle T-Bag

Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 1:11am

Do you even Enzyte, bro?

Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 2:51am

Running With Scissors

Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 4:14am

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!

Killed over 1,000 people.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 12:40pm

And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree

Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
Unlocked 18 Jul, 2018 @ 6:04am

Lieberman is our Leader!

Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.
Unlocked 17 Jul, 2018 @ 4:36am

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.

Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 4:07am

Can't Touch This

Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 11:19am

Fear and Loathing

Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 1:38pm

Señor Cornballer

Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 1:39am

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!

Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 1:54pm

Rick Grimes 4 Life

Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 11:49am

Anustart!

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 3:54am

40 Year Old Virgin

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 3:54am

CAN YOU DIG IT?!

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.)
Unlocked 21 Jul, 2018 @ 1:58am

Planet of the Apes: The Musical

Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.
Unlocked 22 Jul, 2018 @ 5:36am

Scientology Level: OT VIII

Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.
Unlocked 22 Jul, 2018 @ 5:36am

Fur Sure!

Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 1:01am

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog

Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
Unlocked 18 Jul, 2018 @ 1:02pm

Where's Mr. McGibblets?

Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 2:43am

Finkle IS Einhorn!

Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Unlocked 18 Jul, 2018 @ 12:36pm

Anger Management With Roger Clemens

Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 11:06am

Shiva Blast

"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 11:25am

Don't taze me, bro!

Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 1:38am

I Am Legend

Committed suicide... the Taliban way.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 12:59am

I should buy a boat

Read the newspaper every day.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 2:45am

Friend of Dorothy

Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Unlocked 17 Jul, 2018 @ 5:05am

Officer McLovin'

Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
Unlocked 17 Jul, 2018 @ 5:17am

Paid the Piper

Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.
Unlocked 18 Jul, 2018 @ 1:07pm

Well, aren't YOU a badass

Kicked open a door.
Unlocked 17 Jul, 2018 @ 4:28am

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you

Put out someone that's on fire.
Unlocked 17 Jul, 2018 @ 4:38am

It's sterile and I like the taste

Sucked down your own piss.
Unlocked 18 Jul, 2018 @ 6:03am

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway

Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.
Unlocked 17 Jul, 2018 @ 5:14am

FAB-U-LOUS!

Wore all three outfits.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 1:54am

I don't need virgins for this

Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 11:50am

A-Rod Who?

Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 1:59pm

Door Mat

Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
Unlocked 26 Jul, 2018 @ 2:08am

Chuck Norris'd!

Killed someone with a flying jump kick.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 1:35am

One time, at band camp...

Saved the marching band from explody death.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 1:52am

There's always money in the banana stand

Found the secret bank exit on Monday.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 2:11pm

SCREW that game!

Found the hidden copy of POSTAL III and peed on it.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 3:57am

Found 'em faster than GWB

Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 11:32am

Gotta pay the Troll Toll

Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 11:20am

John Rambo'd!

Made a very long killing spree.
Unlocked 21 Jul, 2018 @ 2:06am

Gary vs. The K. Man

Discovered the Gary vs. Krotchy arena during the Apocalypse.
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 4:18am

You are not alone

Observed an NPC going POSTAL!
Unlocked 20 Jul, 2018 @ 2:00am

Thanks for the money!

Finished all seven days.
Unlocked 19 Jul, 2018 @ 2:06pm

GABAGOOOOOL!

Reunited with an old friend.
Unlocked 22 Jul, 2018 @ 11:55am

Holocaust: Part Deux

Reunited with an old enemy.
Unlocked 23 Jul, 2018 @ 1:57am

Rain on your Wedding Day

Reunited with an old flame.
Unlocked 23 Jul, 2018 @ 2:47am

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad

Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.
Unlocked 23 Jul, 2018 @ 12:05pm

Better than POSTAL III

Rescued your loyal companion.
Unlocked 25 Jul, 2018 @ 1:34am

My Name is Jesus

Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.
Unlocked 26 Jul, 2018 @ 1:26am

Harder than r/gonewild

Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.
Unlocked 27 Jul, 2018 @ 10:17am

Adderall4All

Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)
Unlocked 27 Jul, 2018 @ 10:13am

Ape Gape

Escaped the Animal Control Center with all monkeys alive.
Unlocked 25 Jul, 2018 @ 1:44am

Dick Message

Wasted no time with the Wise Wang.
Unlocked 25 Jul, 2018 @ 1:47am

PooMasher

Bought the toilet paper instead of stealing it.
Unlocked 25 Jul, 2018 @ 2:05am

Hobo Sexual

Collected money for charity without stealing from Zack Ward.
Unlocked 25 Jul, 2018 @ 10:47am

Ginger Mint

Killed Zack Ward.
Unlocked 23 Jul, 2018 @ 2:21am

Ode to Eddings

Deactivated all of the Vend-A-Cure XJ-2 units.
Unlocked 23 Jul, 2018 @ 3:18am

Ladies Love Cake

Defeated your hateful ex-wife with delicious cake.
Unlocked 25 Jul, 2018 @ 11:07am

Rich on Reddit

Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
Unlocked 25 Jul, 2018 @ 10:56am

BioShocked

Spent $2000 on vending machines.
Unlocked 25 Jul, 2018 @ 1:07am

Gettin DP'd

Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
Unlocked 24 Jul, 2018 @ 2:54am

You Snow Nothing John Blow

Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.
Unlocked 25 Jul, 2018 @ 3:56am

RAFIBOMB!!!

Kicked 10 people in the balls.
Unlocked 25 Jul, 2018 @ 11:25am

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Waited 13 real world years to see an in-game Easter egg. Thanks for sticking with us!
Unlocked 18 Jul, 2018 @ 11:14am