You were a beautiful soul. I remember very vividly the few days I spent with you. We played through Gone Home together, you took me to my first basketball game, and out of the kindness of your heart you showed me how and built my first PC with me. I was a little skidish as a kid, but you didn't mind, and set up some blankets and a pillow in your room so that I didn't feel scared. Those few days I spent with you and your family were perhaps the most fun I've ever had as a kid. As I was growing we talked less and less, we played a game together here and there but I was young and immature. I really wish I was able to talk to you as I am now. I miss you, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. A green knight that you are, may you be at peace.

You were a beautiful, unique soul in my life. You strived to try to better things in your own way, and I wish you had been empowered to accomplish the things you wanted to do. I wish I had been an advocate for you, that I had bothered to talk to you, and that I had been nice to you.

As long as I live, there will always been a green Darth Vader living on in my memories.

I called the most important person in my life and asked her if she knew what had happened. I stayed on the phone with her while she cried as I told her. We talked about you, the music you listened to and had shared, and we both wished that there was some part of us we could have given to have this happen differently.

What I never told anyone is the continual guilt I still feel years later. The burden of inaction, of not being my best self, and not being properly social with you. The grief counselors they brought in were never made available to me because I was remote. I never talked to anyone about this, or how I felt, or how this has still weighed on me even today.

I was asleep when it happened. I woke up and said hi to JM and he told me what happened. I immediately didn't believe it and thought that was such a weird, yet nasty thing to say. Then I glanced at your Discord and saw your bot posted a notification of your last and final stream. I doubled back to JM and asked him if he was being serious. He said yes. I still didn't believe it. I then texted GM to ask him if what I had heard was true, he responded to me that it was. I clicked on your stream and saw a VOD available. I didn't watch it in full, but I saw the intent and the setup. That is burned in to my eyes, even today. That was when I knew that everyone was telling the truth. There was a dark conviction, maybe courage or cowardice... I don't know and it's not for me to judge, but you really meant what you were doing. I wish I could have been a rock for you to lean on, that in some way I could have shouldered whatever that burden as and helped you.

In a weird way I considered you a distant yet enjoyable part of my life. You, M, and A were such a powerhouse combo in the SOC and I learned so much from all three of you. You enriched my existence. But despite this I never followed through with anything I intended to do. I barely talked to you. I kept up walls and didn't engage with you or really anyone. That's been me my entire life, though. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but you're not here to apologize to now.

Ali, I wish I had been nicer to you. I don't feel that I was ever mean or unfair to you, but there are regrets I harbor about things I didn't follow through on with you. One year for Christmas I wanted to send you a list of something like 50 humblebundle keys that I had saved up and asked you if you wanted your choice of any or all of them. For some reason I just never did this. I don't know why I didn't do it. I had every intent to but never followed through.

I used to watch your Overwatch streams anonymously. I thought about signing in and saying hello to you as you played, but I never did. I followed you on several websites across the Internet, again, anonymously.