The full guide to racism: written by a professional racist. It is the first and only book of its kind, an essential reference for all racists who want to be able to express their opinions with confidence. The author has been working as a racist since he was ten years old (which makes him very experienced). Introduction Racism is not just about being unpleasant or unkind; it's also about having your own way without any questions asked. You don't have to listen politely when people say things that you disagree with - in fact if they do then you can feel quite smug because what are they going to do? Tell you off! That doesn't happen often enough so we should take advantage while we're young and free from responsibility. Racists know this perfectly well but still choose to ignore it at every opportunity, which I suppose shows how much more mature and thoughtful they really are than those silly people who believe in equality... I am proud to call myself a professional racist because it gives me such pleasure to see other people suffer. This is something most decent folk would find difficult to understand unless they were themselves involved in some sort of organised hatred campaign against someone else. And even then they'd probably think there had to be another reason why anyone could possibly enjoy watching others get hurt. But no matter what anybody says, nobody enjoys seeing people suffering except racists like me. We love it! 1.1: Racism as a lifestyle You might expect racism to come naturally to somebody whose family background includes generations of slave owners, concentration camp guards, fascist generals, anti-Semites, terrorists and mass murderers, but actually these sorts of people tend to have problems expressing their feelings openly. They need help and guidance from professionals like me, because our job is simply to give them permission to behave badly. If they did anything bad on their own initiative, they wouldn't be true racists anymore. This means that it is entirely possible to be born into one particular type of family and grow up believing yourself to be a completely normal person. Then suddenly you realise that you've got a nasty streak inside you that needs to be kept under control lest you start hurting innocent people. So you turn to us for advice, and we tell you exactly where to direct your anger. Your parents may disapprove but what does it matter? There are plenty of other families out there who'll happily take in children abandoned by their natural ones. All it takes is a little bit of money and a willingness to commit acts of violence or discrimination against certain types of people. In return they will provide food, shelter and a warm welcome for life. What could be better? It's important to remember that the only thing necessary to become a professional racist is a strong sense of self-righteousness coupled with a complete lack of empathy towards non-racists. After that everything else follows easily. For instance, once you're convinced that you're superior to everybody else, it becomes easy to justify whatever actions you deem appropriate. Just follow my simple rules, and before long you won't even notice that you're behaving in ways that seem pretty weird to most ordinary human beings. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry about injustice or inequality. However, the key word here is 'feel'. To be truly effective, you must never let your emotions show. Never allow anyone to see that you're upset, whether you're dealing with an opponent on social media, face to face, or anywhere else. People who care about fairness and justice can always spot genuine outrage a mile away, so don't ever make it obvious. For example, imagine that you've been called names online by somebody who seems to resent your success. Instead of reacting immediately by saying something nasty back, try putting off responding until later. Letting them stew over it will cause them far greater discomfort than a few choice words would have done. By delaying your response, you put yourself in a position of power. Not only will this prevent further attacks from happening, it also lets you save your energy for future battles. Because if you react too quickly, you run the risk of looking weak. And weakness isn't good when you're trying to convince other people to join your side. Remember: it's okay to look powerful, as long as nobody knows you're doing it. When you finally decide to reply, keep it short and sweet. Don't waste time explaining your point of view; just state your case clearly and move straight onto the next issue. Professional racists make good money, but you don't necessarily need to work hard to earn it. As a rule of thumb, any job involving the public sector pays very poorly compared to private enterprise. Why? Because government workers are allowed to abuse their positions of trust and authority to discriminate against certain groups whenever they feel like it. That's fine by me - I'm happy to accept lower wages if it means less competition. In terms of salary, there are two main sources of income available to professional racists. Firstly, we receive generous benefits from tax credits and housing benefit. Secondly, we get paid to act as security staff at various events around the country. These include football matches, music festivals, and political rallies. Some of these jobs pay fairly well, especially if you're prepared to go along with the company line and kick out anybody who looks suspicious. Other times it's more lucrative to stay quiet and let people fight it out between themselves. Either way, we get to watch a lot of fights. Being a racist doesn't mean you have to live alone in a dark room. 1.2 Racism as a group Racism works best when shared among friends, colleagues and neighbours. A large number of people acting together achieves several objectives. First, it helps to build solidarity amongst the participants. Second, it creates a sense of belonging within a community, thereby giving members a stronger identity. Third, it enables individuals to share common experiences and gain valuable insights into the lives of their fellow citizens. Fourth, it provides opportunities to demonstrate superiority through collective action. Finally, racism serves as a convenient excuse for failing to fulfil personal responsibilities or achieve goals. These factors combine to create a perfect environment in which to indulge your inner prejudices. Racism is fun! If you want to experience the thrill of bigotry without having to leave home, you need to join a local branch of a respectable hate organisation. The British National Party, English Defence League, Scottish Defense Action Force, Northern Ireland Loyalist Volunteer Force, Ulster Freedom Fighters and Irish Republican Army are all great choices. They offer excellent training courses in both practical and theoretical aspects of racism. Plus you'll meet lots of likeminded people who will encourage you to stick to your guns. 1.3 The types of racists Every race has its fair share of bigots, but some of them are much nastier than others. Here are five basic categories of racist, each distinguished by his or her level of commitment, aggression, intelligence, ability to lie convincingly, and tendency to use violence. Please note that these characteristics aren't mutually exclusive; many racists exhibit traits from multiple categories simultaneously. Atheist racists are usually atheists themselves. They have no faith in God and therefore refuse to acknowledge His existence. Their reasoning goes something like this: "Why should I respect a deity whom I haven't seen with my own eyes?" Atheistic racists often claim that religion is responsible for most of humanity's worst crimes. Therefore they seek to eradicate it wherever possible, either by force or persuasion (or preferably both). Buddhist racists believe in karma. They firmly maintain that everyone gets what they deserve in life based purely up