All the people here who bought Tec-9 to admire its firerate and ammo capacity have precisely the wrong mindset. I, in my exalted wisdom and unbridled ambition, bought Tec-9 to become fully accustomed to the intensity of its headshot potential, to make its headshots bearable and in fact normal to me, so that all the world around me may fade into a fluffy arena of inconsequence. And it has worked, to profound success. I have carried my team with it, have grown attached to the upward pull of its small form. This force has become so normal to me that carrying any team now feels like lifting cotton candy, or a fluffy pillow. Big burly manly men who use AK and M4 now seem to me as little children who prester me with insolence.

I can hardly remember the days before I became a man of Tec-9. How distant those days seem now, how burdened by the apparent heaviness of everyday weapons. I laugh at the philistines who still operate in a world devoid of Tec-9, their headshot precentage thin and unempowered. Ha, what fools, blissful in their ignorance, anesthetized by their lack of meaningful struggle, devoid of passion.

Nietzsche once said that a man who has a why can bear almost any how. But a man who has a Tec-9 can bear any team no matter their skill, and all this talk of why and how becomes unnecessary.

Schopenhauer once said that every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world. Tec-9 expands the limits of a man’s field of vision by showing him an example of increased headshot potential, in comparison to which the everyday guns to which he was formerly accustomed gain a heavy and unsavory quality. Who can lament the tragedy of life, when surrounded by such weak guns? Who can cry in a world of Aks and M4s?

Have you yet understood? This is no ordinary gun. In this gun is the potential to transform your world, by transforming your expectations. Those who have not yet held the gun in their hands and mouths will not understand, for they still live in a world of normal weapons, like Plato’s cave dwellers. Those who have opened their mind to the insanity of the Tec-9 will shift their expectations of skill and headshot potential accordingly.

To give this gun a rating of anything less than five stars would be to condemn life itself. Who am I, as a mere mortal, to judge the most compact of all affordable weapons? No. I say gratefully to whichever grand being may have created this universe: good job on the Tec-9. It sure is good.

I sit here with my Tec-9, transcendent above death itself. For insofar as this Tec-9 will last forever, I am in the presence of immortality.