Everyone knows Mario is cool as ♥♥♥♥. But who knows what he's thinking? Who knows why he crushes turtles? And why do we think about him as fondly as we think of the mystical (nonexistent?) Dr Pepper? Perchance.

I believe it was Kant who said "Experience without theory is blind, but theory without experience is mere intellectual play." Mario exhibits experience by crushing turts all day, but he exhibits theory by stating "Lets-a go!" Keep it up, baby!

When Mario leaves his place of safety to stomp a turty, he knows that he may Die. And yet, for a man who can purchase lives with money, a life becomes a mere store of value. A tax that can be paid for, much as a rich man feels any law with a fine is a price. We think of Mario as a hero,but he is simply a one percenter of a more privileged variety. The lifekind. Perchance.


I am so tired of peeing. I drink the water, which I apparently need to live or something, then I have to go put the water somewhere else five minutes later. I drink the water, I go to a place to un-drink the water, I wash my hands, I leave, then I have to drink more water. Guess where that water ends up? Not in me! I give the water to my body and like a child it tosses it out and demands more. All hours of the day all hours of the night no matter what I am doing my life is interrupted by 𝙋𝙄𝙎𝙎, this is 𝘽𝙐𝙇𝙇𝙎𝙃𝙄𝙏.


I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hate Stuart Little. I know what you’re thinking, this is some kind of funny joke, but no. Stuart Little is a piece of ♥♥♥♥. A damn rat got picked over actual children at an orphanage and he’s supposed to be a hero? And I can’t even tell you how many damn times I’ve seen a great parking space only to turn the corner and realise Stuart Little is already parked there in his stupid little ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ convertible. He took my wife and the kids and my house and my job. I swear to ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ god, I’m going to kill myself and take that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ rodent to hell with me. Stuart Little has ruined my family. Last summer, I approached the miserable mouse in the street, and asked him for his autograph, because my son is a huge fan. The ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ rat gave me the autograph and told me to burn in hell. Later, when I gave my son the autograph he started crying and said he hated me. Turns out the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ didnt write his autograph, no, he wrote “you’re a piece of ♥♥♥♥, and i ♥♥♥♥♥♥ your mom”. I’m now divorced, and planning a huge class-action lawsuit against the white devil that ruined my life. Your time is almost over, Stuart. All the people you’ve wronged will rise against you.


My girlfriend has chosen a nickname, out of nowhere, for my penis. She has chosen, for some god forsaken reason, to call it 'princess little piddles'. I have no idea where she got this name but it's not the most manly nickname, and honestly, I don't even have a nickname for it so why should she?? Every time she calls it by her nickname, I feel ashamed!

Am I the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ for making her stop calling it that? Or should I just let her keep it up? I'm afraid this waking nightmare may never end.

UPDATE: I spoke with my girlfriend regarding this nickname fiasco. She informed me that it was not the princess that was little, it was the piddles that were little. That didn't make me feel much better tho.

I offered another nickname, per another user, "princess big and long piddles" but she said that was a mouthful. We compromised on allowing me to pick a nickname for her penis. Thanks everyone.

Wow Lenny, the broken sword run with a real broken sword was so epic and difficult and Sexybeast14 was a great name for picking up girls on the internet