Met Brodie Smith!

I was buying groceries at the Kroger when I saw Brodie Smith. I kindly approached him and asked for him to sign my Berg (I always have at least three on me at all times). He just looked at me with his mouth gaping open and ripped an insanely long fart. I was slightly startled, but have see his pro tour interviews. I was prepared for the situation and immediately screamed “DARK HORSE!”, trying my best to mask the sound. I didn’t want him to be embarrassed. It lasted about 9 seconds (about how long I can throw my Berg (9 seconds last for about 475 feet or 57 meters for my European friends)).

By the time everything was over, Brodie was on all fours. He asked me “What do you know about Darkhorse?” and proceded to gallop away. I was shocked, I really thought he would be nicer. I checked the laces on my Idio Syncrasy’s and continued with my shopping.

In check out, I saw him again! I couldn’t let him escape this time. I didn’t even want a signature, I would be fine with a simple form check. I removed my Pound Bag so I could sneak up on him better (I have two, one for Bergs and the other for groceries. It fits perfectly in my pantry I converted into a disc closet!).

I approached him with my Berg in hand, but before I could get to him the cashier interrupted. She asked him if he wanted a bag. He slowly turned towards me and said “Double G craft jerky is my go to snack on and off the course.” I dropped my Berg in fear and he called me for a stroke penalty. He began ripping bags of Double G jerky open and swallowed slices whole. The cashier was trying to get him to pay, when he said “LETS GET FREAKY.” at the top of his lungs. The cashier was dumbfounded and asked again for his card. He continued howling “LETS GET FREAKY. LETS GET FREAKY.” All while staring directly at me, and jerky spewing from his mouth. He returned to all fours and proclaimed “I AM THE DARKHORSE”. He was gone before I realized he had left me with a 1000 Rated Get Freaky.

I couldn't believe it. I really thought meeting a pro would be different. He left and I never got his signature. Of course when I got to the parking lot I started unleashing Bergs into cars. I can’t believe people park on the field I practice my throwing. Does anyone else have experience meeting a pro?

You don't know me, but I highly advise you read this thoroughly and in its entirety. You are to cease any and all communication with my mom, effective immediately. You are not to contact them for any reason whatsoever. You are not to answer their calls, texts, etc. Is that understood?

It is not in your best interest to ignore me. I have a very bad temper and you do not want to see it get away from me. You will send me some sort of confirmation that you are receiving my messages and that you will comply fully.

I have a Tor browser, plenty of disposable income, and all the free time in the world, kiddo. Do not test me, it is remarkably easy to make someone disappear. This is your last chance to respond before you end up in a red room.

Never let it be said that I am not fair. You had your chance, kiddo, but you've chosen to ignore all of my generous warnings, and you'll soon learn the lengths I'm willing to go for my mom.

I find it kinda bussin'

I find it kinda cap

The dreams in which I'm dying

are the ones that low key slap.