SHREK: (Reading a storybook) Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (Laughs, tears out a page of the book) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush).

"Allstar" by Smash Mouth begins to play. Shrek exits an outhouse and goes about his day in the swamp.

In a nearby village, an angry mob gather up to go after Shrek. At night, the villagers head into the swamp and wait outside Shrek's home.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

Villager 1: Think it's in there?

Villager 2: All right. Let's get it!

Villager 1:Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

Villager 3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

SHREK: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin...

Villagers: No!

SHREK: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (Waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek terrifies the mob with a frightening roar, his spit extinguishing all the remaining torches.

SHREK: (Whispering) This is the part where you run away.

The men drop their torches and pitchforks and flee as fast they can.

SHREK: And stay out! (looks down and picks up a wanted poster. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairytale creatures." (He sighs and drops the paper on the ground.)

THE NEXT DAY - FOREST

Lines of fairy tale creatures are put in chains and are led into wagons by Duloc Guards. The Captain of the Duloc Guards sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairytale creatures in. Waiting in line is Donkey on a leash and his owner. Some of the others in line include Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Geppetto who is carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer carrying the Three Little Pigs.

GUARD: All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

THE CAPTAIN: Next!

GUARD: (Taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half)

THE CAPTAIN: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

GUARD: Get up! Come on!

Mama Bear and Papa Bear are locked inside giant cages, with Little Bear in his own cage.

LITTLE BEAR: (crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY: (To his owner) Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN: Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

DONKEY: Oh!

THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?

GEPPETTO: This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows)

THE CAPTAIN: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

PINOCCHIO: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! (Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.)

THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

THE CAPTAIN: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.