Throughout history, people have worn hats as a way of showing how much better they are than other people. “I buy hats,” a behatted person seems to say. “I am better than you.”
In wartime, hats were a useful way of conferring rank, and ensuring that casualties were confined to the lower classes (hence the famous command of “Don't fire till you see the tops of their heads” at the Battle of Bunker Hill by William Prescott, a general renowned for only shooting enemy combatants who were poor). During peacetime, hats have been instrumental for people to let the non-hatted know just who is wearing the hat around here.

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I was sitting with my wife. God rest her soul. Sipping on sweet lemon tea. I believe it was homemade by my sweet wife. God rest her soul. or wait maybe she bought it from the store in a bottle you know like a plastic bottle. Well hold on now, that would be ridiculous to buy a bottle of sweet lemon tea, then transfer the contents into a glass. Why not just drink it from the bottle? I guess maybe so she could put ice in the glass? but then again, making tea homemade would be just time consuming if not more! That sneaky ♥♥♥♥♥. Anyway i'll save that story for later! so, i'm sitting on my porch drinking sweet lemon tea. From a glass of course, ho ho! When suddenly a great strangeness fills my body. Something was wrong. I've lived many years, and i've never felt something like this before. Do you know what it was? Yup! It was my rocking chair! That wooden sun of a gun stopped working! So I looked down and realized a little rock had gotten caught beneath my chair! A rock under my rocking chair! What a day! I decided it was time for bed, I had had a little bit too much excitement for one day! Hoho! I slid into my jammies, brushed my teeth, and said my prayers. As I was climbing into bed i noticed my wife. God rest her soul, brushing her hair in the bathroom. As I peered across the hall my body swelled up with emotion... "Why can't I be married to an attractive woman?" "Is it me?" "My bank account?" I'm a tall guy I workout forty minutes a week... Is that not enough? Now my neighbor at the time. Tom Forknight, was very short. His wife. Karen Forknight-Plateburger. Yeah, one of THOSE women. Well she was more attractive than my wife. I'd say she was a soft six whereas my wife was a hard four. What's the deal? I thought women liked tall men? Why was Karen with him? ... Anyways my horse of a wife. God rest her soul. crawled into bed right next to me. She decided to leave the bedside light on so she could read her book. It was one of her romance novels again. Give me a break... As if i don't already feel inadequate enough... Not only do i have to compete with Tom, now I have to deal with these fictional hunks! Aye yai yai! At this point I had already suppressed the urges of intimacy. I rolled over and tried to sleep. Her bedside light was only of minor annoyance. I was able to drift off. ... Then I woke up a big flash of light! That's about it.