What doth life? Are we just fleshy blips in some meaningless stew of cosmic oblivion? Or is it vice-reversa? Is our every trollop through fate's garden infused with a mystic...

Hey, bunghole, cease that inner yapping.

I don't want no trouble, mister.

Freak! If you didn't want trouble, you shouldn't have wandered into Burbury, Connecticut.

Please, I'm just a simple seeker on a spirit quest to discover... What doth life?

We don't cottton to freaks here in Burbury, and we's done hate freaks with open, unquenchable cans of philosophical thirst-worms.

[Spits]

You're gonna regret that.You've shattered my shakhashuri.

I hope y'all can play it 3 feet up your ass.

Don't know. But I'd sure like to try.

What you gonna do, bird-beast, fly away on your cuddle bone?

Yeah,cuddle this b-b-b-b-b-bone.

Best stay away from that weirdo. You'll catch the feline AIDS.

Yeah, from me. M-m-m-meow.

Do yourself a solid. Walk away. Just walk away.

What's the matter, ch-ch-chicken? Frightened? Or do you prefer, what's the matter, chicken? F-f-frightened?

Please walk away. You may need my help someday. Walk away.

Yeah, help me punch your neck off.

Wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-welcome to Burbury. What are you looking for?

Well, ma'am, I suppose I'm seeking a deeper strata of truth. Perhaps you can answer the one question that has plagued thinkers for all time. What doth life?

One moment,please.

Processing.

Processing.

Processing.

Processing.

[Distorted] Processing.

Processing.

Depth overload.

Depth overload.

You all right,mister? Sorry our computer's fritzing on y'all.

I'll be fine. I'm a survivor. We're a dying breed. I suppose you'll be wanting to hear my story.

What?

I don't like to tell people my story, but you... you've been so very kind.

Actually, I have to get going.

[Echoes] Life.

You could say it started when I was a kid. Like most folks, I've always been different, but not like the others. Other kids could be cruel. They'd call me names... dweeb, chimp, honky, dweeby chimp, honky dweeb, and, worst of all, chompsky honk. Did you know there's over 87 combinations of those soul-scalding words? I found out the hard way.

Life.

Adolescence was better. Went to the prom with a model, but she left with some jock.

♥♥♥♥.

But then I felt something in my gut... The palpable suspicion that I had a deeper calling in life. So I sought out the wisdom of the ancients, exploring the spirit realm of the soul.One day, tragedy struck. I was groping enlightenment in my bedroom, and before you could scream "murder by arson," our house was on fire. Couldn't save my parents. Coroner ruled it a simple case of death by mysterious fire, but I always sensed that there was something fishy about it. Needless to say, my so-called father was a scientist in some top secret capacity I've yet to unveil.

Yet...

Yet... yet... yet...

So now I wander the country, looking for the man who killed my father and, I suppose,seeking answers to less tangible questions of life. If I help a few folks along the way, so be it.

So, you use your powers to save people?

Powers are for the weak. I have no powers. I mean, unless you count the power to blow minds with my weapons-grade philosophical insights. I'm a thought-ocoster.I'm a conundrummer in a band called Life Puzzler.

All right, well, I'm taking off. Later.

Hell, I've flipped more lids than a monkey in a soup kitchen of the mind. Does that make me a hero?

[Tires screeching]

[Echoing]No.

Ow, that... That truck was nowhere near me.

Is that f-f-freak h-harassing you? Or would you prefer "her ass in" you?

I'm her protectorate. She owes her life to me, and now I'm her soul slave. That's good. Let me write that down.

"Write that down."

Oh, he's harmless. What y'all doing?