~~Official Member of HaK©~~
Chapter 1
An overall derp king, Dazanofoey has powered through many phases, such as Minecraft, Terraria, Borderlands 2, and Counter Strike: Global Offensive. No one has seen him since he purchased Counter Strike: Global Offensive. Scientists say that he is in some sort of coma that only allows him to play Counter Strike: Global Offensive.
I'm not gay, despite popular belief.

Chapter 2
The scientists continued to observe Dazanofoey's daily life, taking scrupulous notes covering every detail of his day. They observed the same rigid routine: Dazanofoey would stumble out of bed at 2:00pm SHARP to breakfast, from his wife. And boy, his wife really can't cook. Her cooking was so bad, the flies chipped in to get the screen door fixed! One day, the scientist noted Dazanofoey's wife asking him to take out the trash, to which he responded with "You cooked it, you take it out!" He would then head off to his online classes. Normally, Dazanofoey's wife would drive to the mall to get her nails done with her girlfriend. But, unfortunately, they no longer owned a car. Dazanofoey's wife, to put it bluntly, could not drive. Once, early on in the study, Dazanofoey's wife rammed the car into a tree. When questioned by Dazanofoey, she fought back: "It wasn't my fault, I honked the horn!" Eventually, her antics led to the car being stolen. Dazanofoey asked her for any clue as to who did it, she told him, "I didn't get their faces, but I did get the license plate number!" But why were the scientists studying this seemingly uninteresting marriage? As they hid in the bushes, the scientists awaited a TERRARIA SERVER. Unfortunately for their superiors, Dazanofoey was not going to deliver. Eventually, the scientists said "Screw this," knocked Dazanofoey over the head, and kidnapped him and his wife. The scientists moved them into their headquarters, expecting the two to continue their work on the server. That didn't work out. Several incidents, including one involving a bartender and a naked picture of Dazanofoey's wife, caused the scientists to place Dazanofoey into a coma.

Chapter 3
One day, Dazanofoey woke up from his coma. Realizing the potential danger he was in, he used his sneak 1000 skills to sneak out of the lab. He easily slipped past every camera and security guard on his way out, even managing to snag a backpack from one of them sleeping on a bench. Once out of the building, he turned back to see what kind of twisted organization would kidnap him and his wife. In big, bold letters plastered on the front of the building was his worst fear: UBISOFT.

Chapter 4
Dazanofoey's heart racing, he knew he had to get as far away from that place as possible. He saw the landscape: a dense forest, which he sprinted into, even recording his current lung capacities at different times. By the end of his sprint, he quietly said to himself, "Only lost 43.25% lung capacity. Damn, maybe I should do cross country." He remembered the backpack he took from the security guard, and took it off his shoulder to take a peek inside. There was a sandwich, presumably the guard's lunch, some rope, and a little booklet labled. "UBISOFT'S SECRETS AND METHODOLOGY." Dazanofoey knew he was in for a long journey, and it was just getting started.

(credit to qmarlon for contributing to the development of this epic tale)