With every year, you get to surprise yourself with a new calendar. You can get those car calendars, are you into motors? You got your bird calendars, you into birds? You got your pinup girls, you into *boobs???* I tell ya something, you can choose any kind of calendar you want, every year it's a new choice. A new choice for you to choose, you can choose what to put on your wall, but you can’t choose what day of the week it is. You got Monday, you got Tuesday, you got Wednesday, you got Thursday, you got Friday, you got Saturday, you got Sunday. You asking me what time it is? I don’t care about the time. Don’t ask me questions, I tell *you* what day it is. What, are you trying to go somewhere? What, you gotta meet up? You got a date on Valentine’s Day? You can take your date onto a ferris wheel, tell her “It's Valentine’s Day but it's also national Ferris Wheel Day.” *(snaps fingers five times)* That’s what I call a double date. I went down to Larry’s on March 9th. *(snaps fingers)* I tell Larry “Hey, you realize it's National Meatball Day?” I order myself a nice meatball mix *(snaps fingers three times).* The Minute Man, he come over to me with a hotdog in his hand. Doesn’t know. He says to me, “It's 2:30 in the afternoon, don’t you think you’re taking a long lunch break?” I look him right in the eyes… and I tell him… *(snaps fingers)* “It's a Saturday. You talking to the Calendar Man. You are minute, man. I don’t got time for this.” Minutes don’t matter. The Minute Man’s got nothing on me. Every year there’s a little bit of a conflict on my calendar. January 6th, National Bean Day. I got a lot of beans in my stomach right now from eating all those breakfast burritos that I get down from Larry’s. National Clam Day on July 3rd *(snaps fingers three times),* falls on National Eat Yo Beans Day *(snaps fingers 3 times).* Do beans and clams go together? I’m not really a bean boy. I’m more into legumes, a little bit more refined. I’m getting sweaty in here, I tell ya I feel like a hog. Whose coming up with these days? A bunch of nonsense days? I’m coming up with the days *(snaps fingers 3 times)* ‘cause I’m the Calendar man. Julius Caesar put me in charge *(snaps fingers twice).* What is Ash Wednesday? I used to know, when I was younger I knew what an Ash Wednesday was, but then I also knew that it was preceded by Shrove Tuesday. You ask anybody on the street, they don’t know what Ash Wednesday is, but I know… I know what it is… What is Ash Wednesday? Three hundred and sixty five days a year, I’m working for you. But if there’s one thing you gotta know, one thing out of everything I’ve told you, nothing’s sweeter than Sunday (cash register noise, whooping and hollering, drums).